


take it easy

by undeliveredtruth



Series: journeys [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (also slight), (read part 1 to understand the universe), (slight) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Break-ups and make-ups, Choking, How is this not a tag, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Public Sex, Rimming, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-07-28 20:52:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16249595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: Love is not be-all, end-all; you can love someone and yet it doesn’t always mean you should be with them. And yet, Soonyoung has realised that with Seokmin, he wants it to be.





	1. you're my tear

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here is part 2. I wish I had the kind of control to wait for a little bit longer, but I've been working on this chapter for so long, so I hope it flows well. 
> 
> Just a correction: in the last chapter of part 1, I wrote Soonyoung texting Seokmin three weeks after their fight. It's not three weeks, it's actually three months, so I'm sorry for that mistake. Let me know if some parts of the timeline are hard to understand and I'll be glad to explain it or make an actual timeline. Enjoy!
> 
> (Title and chapter titles are from various BTS songs.)

It's somehow easy in the adrenaline of dancing, of learning to work with people, of meeting idols he's only ever dreamed to work with, to forget. It's easy during the free time, the almost three months he spends all of his days and nights perfecting dances and training at the studio, too exhausted to think about anything. It's easy on the plane, no thoughts as he listens to the music, it's easy before their first show abroad, when he's so nervous even though they've had concerts in Seoul, and also when he kills it during the actual concert, the music flowing through his veins.

It's when he's exhausted in his hotel room, a bit drunk from the post-show party, another dancer sleeping soundly in a twin bed next to his, that it hits him for the first time. He's in a foreign country, somewhere so different and where he finds it so difficult to adjust to the many changes, and yet if he wants to call anyone right now just to talk, there's no one he can call. Not because of the time difference but because no one would be on his side and just willing to listen to him, except perhaps his mother, but there are things he can't tell her, like how he misses Seokmin's kisses, the innocent ones and not-so-innocent ones, his laugh, the quiet comforts. How he misses brunch with his friends, even studying with Jeonghan; she won't understand because she's always been ruthlessly pushing him towards the future, and he will have never done anything wrong in her eyes.

It's lonely, so incredibly lonely.

* * *

On a random night during some city in Thailand, two months into the tour, he can't take it anymore. His roommate is snoring, there is a balcony light flickering in the room next door that he can see from his bed, and the night is too bright. It's still cold, Soonyoung seriously doesn't know how people line up and camp to see them even if it's in arenas and it's warm inside. He grabs his jacket, stuffs his bare feet in sneakers and goes down.

Behind the hotel there's a garden, and when he walks through it he sees smoke coming from a corner of it and a figure huddled there. He doesn't want to pry but he's curious because most of this hotel is their staff, so he walks by, trying not to be obvious.

A few steps away, he sees it's Jimin. He's so surprised he stops in his tracks and before he can walk away, Jimin looks up and smiles at him.

"Come over," he says, and Soonyoung is too intimidated to say no, so he does, dropping down on the cement next to him. They seem to be next to an air vent, so it's surprisingly comfortable.

"It's just steam," Jimin says when he sees Soonyoung peek at the thing he's holding in his hand. "Doesn't have nicotine or anything bad in it really, just flavored water. Helps me sometimes."

Soonyoung doesn't know what to say, just kind of nods.

"Soonyoung, right?" he asks, looking towards him. Jimin knows him, but he asked anyway.

"Yes," he answers formally, trying to school his voice in the respect he needs to show.

"Ah don't be like that with me. I'm probably not older than you," Jimin says, and Soonyoung didn't notice he hasn't been breathing for a while.

"You are... you're a year older than me."

"Then call me hyung," Jimin answers.

"Oh... okay, hyung."

"What brings you here at this time of the night? Not really common to walk out, could be dangerous, it's cold," he says like he's supposed to, like he's not doing the same thing.

"I just... I couldn't sleep."

"Many thoughts? Are you nervous? You shouldn't be, you've done this so many times already."

"No, I'm not," he says quickly, because it's true. He's not nervous, he hasn't been since the first concert. "I love it so much, it's all I've ever wanted to do, you and everybody are incredible," he breathes out quickly so Jimin doesn't misunderstand.

"I see that. You've worked so hard and you're so talented, incredibly determined too. You have fire in your eyes, you're going to go far," Jimin hums appreciatively, and it means so much to Soonyoung he almost tears up. He didn't know how much he needed to hear that.

"Thank you so much, hyung," he answers, his voice small but honest, so thankful.

"Don't thank me, it's the truth, you're great to work with. So then why are you here? Problems at home?"

"Kind of, yes..."

"You can tell me, I won't judge. I cannot judge anything," Jimin says, and it's so tempting. It's so tempting to just open up to someone who has way more on his shoulders than Soonyoung has.

"It's just... I had to give some stuff up to be here, and it's hard to deal with it, I guess," he shrugs, but he's not guessing anything. It is hard.

"Let me ask you something, but don't get offended. Are you not straight, Soonyoung?"

Soonyoung freezes, and those two seconds say more than anything.

"Hyung, I..."

"Don't worry, it isn't that obvious. I just know what to look for," he says, and Soonyoung doesn't miss the bitterness in his voice. He's always had the same thoughts about Jimin. "Did they make you give up your relationship?"

"I... yes, they have."

Jimin huffs and makes a noise of disapproval with his mouth.

"I hate that so much. I'm sorry," he says, truly apologetic like it's his personal fault.

"No, hyung, don't apologize, it's not your fault!" he says hastily, but it's very true. "Also, I made this decision by myself, so there's no excuse."

"It is our fault. But also you shouldn't have to give up the person you love for what you want to do," he says, plain as day, and while Soonyoung realizes he's not talking only about Soonyoung himself, it still hits him.

"Look... it's taken me a while to understand this, and much longer to figure out how to do it. But it can happen, you can be in this industry and still love who you love," Jimin looks at him, and Soonyoung takes it in, takes the meaning of it in. "Did you mess it up?"

"I did."

"Will he take you back?" Soonyoung pauses.

"I don't know."

"Then you better make him," Jimin says with determination that Soonyoung doesn't have. "You're not weak. You know yourself very well, and nothing is ever truly broken. What are you waiting for?"

"I don't know if it's the right idea. If we truly are meant to be," Soonyoung says, and that's his issue. He doesn't know that anymore, with all the thinking he's done.

"This meant to be is bullshit. You're not meant to be with anyone, if you think you can stand anyone's presence enough, you just learn how to get over your own issues and attempt for them to do the same. If you love someone, all you need to do is learn them. It's only about time and patience."

"What if I don't have that? If I had time but I messed it up and now..." Soonyoung asks and pauses. Now what?

"Then you make time, it's never too late, like in all those movies. If you care about a person, you can do it. Do you love him?"

"I do."

"Then there's your answer. You went home during the break?"

"At my parents' house only. I didn't see anyone, not friends nor him."

"Yes, cause you were with us in the practice room all the time," Jimin chastizes him. "There's a month left, take the time to think about it and when you're done and you go home, see him," Jimin says, getting up from his spot. "Trust me, it's worth it. There's nothing better than being successful and in love," he winks with a smirk and leaves, letting Soonyoung be with his thoughts.

The next day, during rehearsal, he sees it. They keep it hidden but now that he himself knows what to look for, he sees the glances Jungkook throws at him, the subtle touches, the comfort. He sees it more in the way they don't need to be near each other all the time, and in the deep friendships the entire group has with each other, the obvious trust. It almost makes him tear up, and his heart aches with what he could've had, hopefully, what he can still have.

* * *

Love is not be-all, end-all; you can love someone and yet it doesn’t always mean you should be with them. And yet, Soonyoung has realised that with Seokmin, he wants it to be. It’s taken him the last weeks of tour, many more conversations with people around him, many sleepless hours, but he’s come to terms with how much he’s missed him and how used he was to his presence, and now when he doesn’t absolutely need Seokmin, he realises he wants him. He does love him and he wants to be with him, and he guesses there can be a way, if Seokmin will have him back.

* * *

The crew’s spring show is much smaller, as most of the seniors either start training or are able to focus less, but Junhui has thankfully been able to take temporary leadership while Soonyoung was gone. It’s now June, and even so, Soonyoung can be there for the last week of rehearsals before the show because the semester runs from February to June, and their show is in the following week. He doesn’t know how it will be when he shows up, doesn’t want to think about it, he’ll just take it as it is and work with how his crew is doing.

One thing he knows for sure is that Jinwook has not stepped foot in any of his practice rooms again. Soonyoung has not been able to forgive him for outing him, and even if he had to see him in the studio often during the almost two months of training before the tour, it felt good as Soonyoung was clearly above him. And yet, he will not take any of his shit in his crew, not only the fact that it was against Soonyoung and he is petty, but such obvious displays of lack of loyalty are not something he can work with. So he puts his foot down, and kicks Jinwook out even before the semester starts, his friends leave with him, and that is all; he hopes the studio will also see how much of an asshole he is at some point.

Particularly because Jimin and Hoseok are so protective of him and they’re the most important people the studio works with, and also because he’s gotten respect at the studio by himself, the practice room, the staff, his fellow dancers feel more like home than anything at this point. He’s familiar with BigHit’s practice rooms as well as he’s been there for so long during the tour breaks, and so even though he has to commute from his parents’ house, every day ahead feels exciting, fun, at least for dancing.

He’s hesitant to go back to the apartment he shares with Jihoon next week, to college and classes next semester, back to friends that he’s barely spoken to and with which he obviously needs a long while to clear stuff with... to Seokmin. It’s taken him two weeks to even tell his crew that he’s back and he’ll be coming to practices from that point on, but he hadn't told anybody else; everyone knows because of Minghao and Junhui, probably. And yet, the sooner he graduates, the sooner he can go back to doing what he’s doing full time, and he knows the experience of learning and working at the studio this summer will make him excited more than anything for that.

He’s trying not to think of anything while he’s driving, but for some reason, the memories of dancing to Begin particularly in the arena a few months before won’t get out of his head, and he plays the song on his drive. He’s proud of his car too, a shitty second hand one, and yet one he got with his own money. He feels more mature, more accomplished, surer now of everything, and yet... every day he goes to work at some point he remembers the obvious, something weighing heavily on him and it just grows more and more.

He hadn’t quit. After his part of the tour was done and he decided to come back earlier, in the middle of May instead of June, and the studio asked him to commit to training for choreographing that summer and working with them to dance in classes, excited to work with all the people he met and with BTS again in the future as Jimin swore, he said yes.

He’s told Seokmin he’d quit, back when they last properly saw each other, when they called it quits. He thought he would too, but in the times they’ve chatted since, he’s never mentioned anything about it, and Seokmin didn’t ask. But he didn’t quit. He couldn’t.

Today it doesn’t go away. The traffic is bad and so his thoughts have time to fester until he feels anxious with the thoughts. He still loves Seokmin, he’s thought so much about it in the past weeks, decided he wants nothing more than for them to work out and yet...

He picks up his phone at a red light and puts it back in the holder, lets it ring. A minute later, it connects.

“Yes?”

“Jimin hyung, how are you?”

“Good. Are you good? Everything okay? You never call, you always text.”

“I’m driving,” he explains. “I’m good, but are you free today? I need to talk to you about something, ask for advice.”

Jimin hums, thinking. “I have practice until 11 today. Is that too late?”

“No, it’s okay, I’ll be at the studio until late today too.”

“Pick me up and let’s get some ddeokbokki and sundae at that place and talk.”

“Thank you so much hyung,” he says, so grateful. Jimin and the rest of BTS have been such a strong support for him, more than he had ever expected, he probably will never be able to repay back how much he owes them.

“Mm,” Jimin hums. “Call me tonight,” he says and hangs up. Soonyoung’s thoughts stay with him for the rest of the drive, but maybe he can make it work out.

* * *

“Did you call him?”

“Not yet...”

“Soonyoung,” Jimin chastises him.

“I know. It’s just... I haven’t gotten used to being back yet. I can’t just contact him when I’m not even sure what to do with myself. I wanted to talk to you first.”

“Tell me then,” Jimin says and takes a bite of food. Soonyoung breathes.

“Truthfully, I was going to quit after the tour was over because they can’t work with me while I’m in a relationship, they’ve made that clear.”

Jimin almost chokes on the food. “Wait, what? Not only during the tour?” he asks, disbelieving.

“No? Not at all. You... didn’t know?”

“Those fuckers,” Jimin says and looks livid. “We’ve agreed to this being a tour-only thing, not always. This is fucking ridiculous.”

“I mean... I guess it’s understandable. Even if it’s not on tour, we still work with you...”

“It’s not understandable. Not at all,” he says, determined. “That will change.”

“Oh I didn’t want to... I don’t want to ruin your relationship with them hyung, it’s alright.”

“You won’t be ruining any relationship, I will be. Is this why you needed my advice?”

“Yes, I wanted to maybe ask you what I could do to do both... if there was any way.”

“I’ll figure this out.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to! I just wanted to ask if I could do something myself.”

“Soonyoungie, this is about you, but also about the fact that it’s ridiculous and not right at all. I personally don’t want to work with anyone who imposes these kinds of values and who promotes this stuff, and I know everyone else doesn’t either. I’ll talk to the agency, if you don’t mind, and then I’ll tell you.”

“Hyung... thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. But... if we’re here for advice, Soonyoung, call him anyway. If the agency gets involved, it will be possible.”

Soonyoung hesitates. “But if not?”

“If not, I’ll hire you. You can work for us or anywhere else, I promise you. Trust me,” he says, looking at Soonyoung. He’s so grateful he could tear up, and he hugs Jimin in the empty food tent.

“Thank you so much. Seriously hyung, I don’t know how I can pay you back.”

“Call him and we’re even,” Jimin says and looks at him for a few seconds, gauging his mood.

“Now let me tell you about what happened yesterday with Taehyung and Jin hyung. You won’t believe...”

When they leave, Soonyoung doesn’t let Jimin pay, as it’s the least he can do. Jimin argues with him but Soonyoung won’t have it; for once, he truly has hope, and that’s more priceless than anything.

When he gets home, he texts Jihoon. It’s one step forward, and Jihoon has always really been his friend no matter what. He tells him he’s back, and that he’s ready to move back in, if Jihoon is okay with that. Jihoon tells him he’s an idiot and that he’s vacuumed his room already, and that he should move in damn, because he’s bored of nobody making fun of him when he eats his ramen dry.

* * *

When he moves his last suitcase in, Jihoon hugs him. It's his way to say I miss you, so Soonyoung tells him he missed him too and he gets a light punch to his arm for the trouble.

He loves his childhood home but he loves it specifically for the fact that he doesn't go often, that he can use it as his peaceful haven for a few days. A few weeks and he’s already going crazy with his mother’s coddling, with how his father still doesn’t know and how it weighs on him. Needless to say, he’s happy to see his actual home now, his bed and rows of books, his whiteboard full of formations, shelves, lights, everything. Now he actually feels like he’s back and he can pretend like nothing’s changed, even though everyone’s working towards finals he’s not doing, he has a car that needs to be put in his permanent parking spot now, way more money, and above all, memories that make him a changed man.

While eating with Jihoon, he starts to tell as much as he can about the past few months, and realizes just how much there is. How much he’s done and how his life is so different, connected to celebrities and idols, to a bright future more or less sure waiting for him. Jihoon sees it, maybe, maybe he doesn’t, but listens to him nonetheless. Before he goes to bed, he stops Soonyoung.

“Seokmin and Seungkwan’s show is this Saturday, a day before your crew’s show. We’re all going, I don’t know if you want to come with us, but you should go anyway. I have a ticket for you.”

Soonyoung takes it and puts it securely in his wallet.

Does he want to go with everyone? Besides Jihoon who he talked to often, as well as Junhui, Minghao and Chan who he talked to because dance, and Seokmin sometimes, he hadn’t properly talked to anyone in months for more than a few messages. Jeonghan unsurprisingly doesn’t want to talk to him until he’s gotten over his fuck up, Joshua sides with him, with Seungcheol they’re both too different to match well, and anyone else he either doesn’t know that well or just doesn’t feel the need to talk to. From all that he’s known from Jihoon, they’ve all hung out for the semester, and considering there seems to still be a divide between Seokmin’s side and his side, no matter how weird the idea is, they all seem to be siding with Seokmin, or at least agreeing it is Soonyoung's fault. Soonyoung doesn’t know how to fix that yet, doesn’t even know if he can, if he should. In the end, Soonyoung and Seokmin are them, and their problems should be theirs only.

It’s not only his fault, he’s realized that over the time he’s been away. He has to be fair to himself and Seokmin as well and admit that. It’s both of their faults; Soonyoung remembers the long letter he had sent Seokmin on his birthday, pouring all his feelings, how he doesn't know if he even read it or just ignored it; Soonyoung tries to pretend it didn't exist himself, embarrassed. The next time they talked it was Soonyoung texting him from the plane, more than one month later. They’ve tried to keep in touch, Soonyoung more than Seokmin, tried to keep it close to normal even with the big elephant in the room, but it didn’t seem to work, and that’s not only on Soonyoung. He’s tried to apologize in many ways and some went better than others, and yet nothing seemed complete, like it did something significant. Seokmin had too, but it felt the same, useless.

He wishes he could tell that to his friends, to Seokmin. He wishes they could talk honestly, say all they have to say and see if it works out, if in the time they’ve been apart they’ve had time to come to terms with who they are and what they want from each other. He knows they will though, it seems to be coming, and Soonyoung will make sure of that if it’s the last thing he does for them.

* * *

The next day, the phone blinks in his hand for what feels like hours. It's only a few seconds, but it takes him a while until he can unlock it. He scrolls through his contact list and calls the only person he really feels like he can right now, and dials Jeonghan's number.

Soonyoung expects him not to answer, but a while later, he picks up.

"Soonyoung," he says, simple as that, and yet there's so much in how Jeonghan says his name; annoyance, a bit of anger, but also relief, some sense of _finally_.

"Hyung. I wanted to talk to you."

"You better. I've waited for so long for you to call me."

"I thought you didn't want to speak to me."

"I didn't want to speak with you until you got your shit together. I thought you would've done it earlier and called me."

Despite the fact that nothing is funny, Soonyoung chuckles. It's so like Jeonghan.

"I think I do now, hyung."

"You do?"

"Yeah... how have you been? Tell me everything."

Jeonghan does, fills him up on what has happened with most of his friends, except Seokmin.

"Hyung..." Jeonghan interrupts him.

“You broke his heart, Soonyoung. We all know you’re driven and motivated, but you didn’t even care about what he had to say and trampled on his emotions. It was his first relationship and he got his heart broken by you.”

What?

“What did you say?”

“I said you broke his heart, Soonyoung.”

“No... did you say first relationship?”

“Yes Soonyoung, don’t play dumb with me. First relationship.”

“I’m not playing dumb, I genuinely didn’t fucking know, he never told me,” he throws at Jeonghan in disbelief, but his heart is torn. Seokmin had waited so much for him, did so much for him, and it was his _first relationship._

“You seriously didn’t know? He went on dates before, had one night stands, but he had never been in a relationship before you.”

What the hell. Now Soonyoung gets it, gets it so bad; how Seokmin was always so patient, how he didn’t ask for too much, how he let Soonyoung lead him and how he was afraid to show the true him even if he said he loved him and Soonyoung showed him himself. It makes sense, all the love he showed to Soonyoung, trying to keep him close and how Soonyoung failed to match up to him. Seokmin is smart and amazing, but everyone’s first relationship is difficult to navigate as you never know what the standards are, how it’s supposed to be so it’s fair, and Soonyoung hadn’t been there to make Seokmin trust him, hadn’t even realised it. He hates himself.

“Whatever he told you, listen to me. He was down for months, and he didn’t realize how heartbroken he was, pretended he was okay even to himself; we could all see it. I don’t doubt that he is better, but it’s different.”

Soonyoung has no words; now he feels even more guilty, if possible, for failing to consider Seokmin’s feelings for so long.

“Hyung... fuck.”

“Now you get it?”

“I do... I really do. I fucked up so bad.”

“You did, but you’re lucky you realised it and he’s him. I didn’t know you didn’t know... I thought you just played with him, and even if it’s not okay even if it’s not a first relationship, this is worse. I thought you just didn't care.”

“I didn’t damn play with him,” he bursts. “Everybody seems to say that like I told him he didn’t matter to me and I didn’t give a fuck about his entire being. I do, so damn much, I got my heart broken too by this thing. I just made a damn choice for myself, and I realise now I should’ve been way more considerate and I messed up so often from the beginning, but I do care about him a whole fucking lot,” he rants, voice raising. He’s tired of everyone but seemingly Seokmin spinning a heartless asshole story on him.

Jeonghan pauses for a while.

"It's just because we were all here with him, and saw how he pretended to be okay, while you were thousands of miles away, having fun with idols. It didn't seem fair."

"Well I had fun, I did learn so many things and made so many friends, but that was maybe 5% of all the hard, difficult times. You all completely fucking left me too, picked Seokmin's side like it was a fight. It wasn't, goddammit!" Truthfully, he is angry at them. He's had to deal with all the stress of keeping himself hidden so none of the smallest misinterpreted gestures would get him kicked out, the pressure of traveling so much and working for so long, of the necessity to make no mistakes, of the very high highs followed by very low lows, and almost none of the friends he considered so close even asked if he was okay. He is pissed.

"You should've told us then. We've waited for you to contact us, to say something!"

"I thought you all didn't even want to talk to me!" he bursts, really getting angry. His issues with Seokmin are one thing and he admits he's mostly guilty, but his friends are another thing. And yet, as soon as he gets angry, he realizes he doesn't want to do this. He's tired.

"It's fine, we'll talk later. I just don't know if I should come to this damn show with you all or by myself."

"However you want," Jeonghan says, and Soonyoung hears how he sounds more regretful, somehow less assertive than when they started.

"I might go by myself. I think I need to talk to many people, Seokmin first."

"Okay, Soonyoung," Jeonghan says. "I'm sorry too, seriously. For not being there for you. Let's talk at some point and you can tell me everything."

"Okay, hyung," he says, somehow feels defeated. "We'll talk later."

Jeonghan agrees and hangs up, and Soonyoung's head is a mess once again. So many things he didn't know, a whole big misunderstanding, and yet he doesn't know where to even start fixing it.

* * *

The show almost started when Soonyoung gets to the theatre; he ran from rehearsal even if they weren't fully done, Junhui sent everyone home and ran himself, with Minghao and Chan in tow. They question him when he goes to sit somewhere else, but they quietly give it up when they see he's not in the mood to explain. He wants to make this only about Seokmin in his mind, wants to be able to focus on him.

And he does, because he can't look away. The musical is dark, captivating, and Seokmin himself is ethereal. He doesn't have the main role but he leads the stage with his presence; Soonyoung's heart bursts with pride. The musical is about a con to rob a bank by a few friends and its failure, the loss of agency and the people that go crazy even from the process of a crime. Seokmin plays the role of the right-hand man of the lead who falls in love and understands virtue and honor, that what they're doing is wrong, and that ends up ruining the whole thing. The main, his best friend, believes him, calls it off and they go on with their lives in what seems to be the end. When everyone stands up to leave, the curtain raises, and you can see how terrible their lives are, with family members dying, some with funeral fees to pay, some trying to put their siblings through college in the kind of despair that would lead you to do anything, some trying to pay off fathers' debts. Except Seokmin, who lives happily after with his girlfriend.

It's heartwrenching, terrible, and most of all, they play it so well, Seokmin especially, that when he leaves, he has cried more than he had expected to, same as most of the theatre.

He goes home, head running through ideas of life and love, of good and bad, of agency, decisions and consequences. He can't help but pick up his phone, kind of running on the adrenaline of the show.

 _'Seokmin... you were amazing, you blew my mind. I seriously can't stop thinking about the show. You're seriously so talented,'_ he types, and before he can think about it, hits send. It says barely anything of what he actually wants to say, sounds terrible, but he feels like he's going crazy with the fact that he has to think it over so many times.

 _'You were there?'_ Seokmin texts after barely a few seconds.

_'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world'_

_'Why didn't you_ come _see me?'_

_'I didn't want to ruin your night'_

_'Soonyoung... You wouldn't have ruined it. I want to see you, I've waited so long to'_

It hits Soonyoung so hard.

 _'Let's meet soon. I really want to talk to you,'_ he writes back, because he so wants to and he's done with all the questioning.

 _'Tomorrow? I'm free anytime'_ Seokmin texts back, and it's so soon. Soonyoung doesn't know if he's ready.

_'I'm free in the afternoon. I can pick you up to go to that cafe, if you want, at maybe 4?'_

_'I'd love to. Just text me when you're close to my dorm'_

Soonyoung agrees and says goodbye. There are so many other things he wants to say, but they can all wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Soonyoung is a backup dancer for BTS because can you imagine? That is one friendship I want to see happen. 
> 
> The timeline is on BTS' Wings tour, and everything happens more or less in those dates, I hope that's easy to understand! Please leave feedback or suggestions, I'd be more than happy to hear them!


	2. somehow it seems like i never loved you at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for the wait, college has kind of been kicking my butt; I hope you enjoy this <3 If you need songs for reading this chapter, I would recommend (in this order):  
> Sickick - Roll Thru  
> DPR Live - Jasmine  
> BTS - Tear

He wakes up to a ping on his phone, a new text from someone. He debates getting up to look at it, but by the clock on the wall, it's almost time to get up anyway, so he does. The phone is lit up with a message from Seokmin, and he opens it to see what he said. He doesn't know what to expect.

_'Didn't you forget something?'_

What did he forget?

 _'What did I forget?'_ he texts and walks out of his room to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. In the shower, he thinks about his day; the crew's show is today, so they are in for a full day of rehearsals and set up.

It's then when it hits him that he made plans with Seokmin in the afternoon, thinking it was a normal Sunday, where he would go to the studio and could finish early. He almost rushes out of the shower, finishing rinsing at lightning speed. A message is waiting for him.

_'Your crew's show is today, but you said we'd meet in the afternoon'_

_'Fuck Seokmin, I'm so sorry, I just realized it. I was so out of my head last night and so blown away I thought it was just a normal day'_ he types, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Fuck, he completely forgot.

 _'That's fine'_ Seokmin says, and barely one second after, Soonyoung answers.

_'Can we meet after? Please, if it's not too late'_

_'Sure, that's great. I'll see you at the show though, maybe?'_ Soonyoung will probably be backstage for the whole of it, but he feels like he has to say yes.

_'Yeah. Let's go get something to eat after?'_

_'Okay,_ see you soon _'_ Seokmin writes, and his pun takes a massive weight off of his chest, knowing he at least wasn't mad. Soonyoung feels like he's walking on eggshells lately though, has been messing up too many things and with so many variables, the future seems so uncertain.

* * *

He does see Seokmin at the show, getting his ticket taken at the entrance as Soonyoung clarifies something with some of the staff in the hall. When he lays eyes on him, everything stops for one second; Seokmin doesn't see him.

Jeonghan does, though, and smiles at him; his lips don't turn much but his eyes say it all, and the way he looks at Soonyoung shows that he missed him, at least. There are so many things running in Soonyoung's head, from the show and last-minute issues, to choreography that doesn't seem to flow right, to how he still doesn't feel at home. Seeing his friends doesn't ground him like it used to, gives him more uncertainty probably, but they're familiar and maybe it helps to know they're there.

* * *

The show goes flawlessly though. If people make mistakes they're minor, and nobody seems to notice; they're as amazing as last semester, mostly thanks to Junhui's leadership, probably. But still, Soonyoung feels so proud seeing them, and they all seem to be happy seeing him too. They decide to eat together tomorrow when clean-up is done because the show and first round of clean-up ran late, and they make Soonyoung promise he'll tell them all about the tour. He laughs and says he will, hugs all of them and makes sure to tell them how proud and happy he is to be back with them, because he is.

It's just that his head is not there. His head is on the phone in his pocket that doesn't vibrate even though he texted Seokmin half an hour ago. He plucked up his courage and asked first because he really wants to see him, but Seokmin hasn't responded.

When he's almost done with clean-up and he has two seconds to pull his phone out, he realizes his internet is not on. He turns it on in haste and sees that Seokmin has answered him twenty minutes before. He doesn't think he has opened a text before so quick.

_'Sorry, I was in rehearsal... Where do you want to eat?'_

_'Can we get delivery and talk in my room?'_ Seokmin texts abruptly. _'Seungkwan won't be there and I just don't know if we should have this conversation in public'_

Soonyoung figures that makes sense. It probably won't be an easy one to have, so he concedes.

 _'Sure. I can be there in 15?'_ he texts and takes a deep breath, nerves running through him at the thought. It's been a long time and Seokmin feels so far away.

But he braves it, and when he exits the performance hall, even though it's warm, a shiver runs through him.

* * *

When he knocks on Seokmin's door, he's had enough time to make some sort of peace with himself. This is what he wants, and it's a discussion they've needed to have for such a long time. It doesn't mean that he's not nervous, it just means that when Seokmin opens the door, Soonyoung can genuinely smile at him.

"Hi."

"Hi," Seokmin breathes out, and Soonyoung wants to hug him so bad, feels the yearning in his bones to feel him again, solid and real.

He hesitates but Seokmin doesn't. He just walks up to him and hugs him so tight Soonyoung feels himself rearrange like things have settled right where they should be again. When his hands wrap around Seokmin's back, it's peaceful familiarity, comfort. That's probably when he knows they'll be alright.

"I missed you," Seokmin says in his shoulder, his arms still secured tight around him.

"Me too, oh God, me too," he says, and Seokmin backs him up in the room and closes the door behind him. When they pull apart, for two seconds they don't talk, just look at each other to take it in. Soonyoung blinks and the spell is broken, Seokmin pulls away to sit on the couch, and Soonyoung follows him, dropping down on his side of it.

"Do you want tea?" Seokmin says and shakes the packet. It's the one tea Soonyoung will never say no to, a peppermint thing that he's had since he was in middle school. Soonyoung always drank it but he never thought Seokmin noticed.

"I've had so many of these, wanted to see why you liked it," Seokmin says nonchalantly, but it's none of that and it's obvious he's admitting something. It's one of the things that reminded him of Soonyoung, it's clear in how he says it, like how Soonyoung has worn his sweater so many times it's almost fraying.

They're mostly silent when Seokmin pours the hot coffee from the kettle into the mugs, when they settle down into the couch. When he sees him, Soonyoung can't help but see the genuine relief in Seokmin's face, how even if there is so much tension, he looks okay. He looks good.

"I'm sorry," he says because there's no point in wasting more time. "I was such an idiot for so long..."

"I'm sorry too," Seokmin says, honest and open. "I was so harsh then and didn't consider you, but I really meant it when I said I wanted to talk when you're back. I feel like a lot of things have changed."

"They have," Soonyoung agrees, because they have. Soonyoung and Seokmin are still them, watching each other with the same eyes, and yet it's so different. "I just want to say I'm sorry for not considering your feelings for so long. I've thought a lot about it and... I've made a lot of mistakes and I've realized that it always seemed to be a little unbalanced between us."

"Maybe... I... to start from then, I won't lie to you, I was so hurt then. It seemed like you didn't care and I guess it hit me so bad that I couldn't help but feel betrayed." He stops and takes a deep breath. Soonyoung waits. "I didn't think about you. About how much you wanted it and your dreams, I just thought about how you affected me. I knew you were going to do it, I knew it was the right decision, and yet I was so hurt I was blind, so I'm sorry too.

I get it now, I really do. I've thought a lot about it too and even though it won't change how I felt then and I don't want to feel like it should change, I just want to say I get it, and it was the right decision and you seem so happy... I'm genuinely glad," he says and looks at Soonyoung, honest and open over his mug of tea. Soonyoung fiddles with own cup, bites his lip.

"I was hurt too because I thought you didn't understand me, that you blamed me for choosing that over you. I just want you to know it wasn't a choice I wanted to make, not even a choice even, and I realized my mistake too. We were both so stupid, really."

"We were... I think though..." Seokmin chooses his words carefully, milling over them. "I think it should have happened. I realized I didn't feel right, I felt too much."

Soonyoung didn't realize Seokmin wasn't alright until... well.

"Seokmin... you lied to me though, for our whole relationship," he says because he doesn't believe in the virtue of holding anything back now.

Seokmin turns his head away, his mug going on the coffee table. Soonyoung knows he'll forget it there. Instead, he hugs his knees to his chest, and Soonyoung wishes so bad he wouldn't have to feel so defensive around him.

"I know..."

"Why?"

Seokmin composes himself, bites his lip, worries his thumbnail with his index finger.

"In the beginning, I told you how I didn't think we would ever be together, that I'd get to call you my boyfriend. I wanted to be cool, to make you want me, to think of me as strong and dependable." Soonyoung opens his mouth to talk, but Seokmin doesn't let him. Soonyoung closes it. This is not his time. "And then... I thought it wouldn't be relevant anymore because everything felt fine and I knew I loved you so much, from the beginning, from way before we were actually together, I guess."

The admission hits Soonyoung right in his chest, makes him hold his breath. He doesn't think he was ever fully honest when he told Seokmin he loved him. He doesn't think he felt it until months into the tour, when he could accept it and understand it as more than the rush he felt when they were together, as love for Seokmin as a person.

"But then it was... and I felt so trapped somehow, knowing I was not honest with my past by not choosing to tell you. You had been so honest with me and I couldn't..."

"I don't blame you. It's not easy to be able to say this stuff or know what you should do, even. I just... wished you told me."

"I know... but I still felt terrible," he says, and squeezes his knees tighter. Soonyoung gulps and sighs, because he feels stuck. "How did you know?"

"Jeonghan... it was an accident." The 'don't be mad at him' is implied. Seokmin nods like he expected it.

"I just... I want you to trust me. I know it will take a while for us to build trust back, but I just want you to be honest with me, otherwise it won't work. And I promise I'll be more considerate."

Perhaps that's what it is. Like Jimin told him, perhaps it's a compromise, things you learn to give up and think about for the other person; he doesn't think love is simple acceptance, it would be too easy. There is so much effort involved, and unless they accept that, there's no good path forward.

"I know... If there's one thing I've figured out over these past few months is that you can't love others until you love yourself and feel comfortable with yourself. That if I pour love into someone more than I have I can't expect them to match my expectations. So I promise... I promise that I'll say more and ask for more from myself and for myself," he says, and Soonyoung hears how he sounds determined, how much he has thought about it to put it into words. He feels terrible for what happened, but if it makes both of them better, that's at least a good consequence.

"Tell me then... what else changed?"

"I've decided I want to do law, human rights law for a while," Seokmin says, wringing his fingers. Soonyoung couldn't see it in him, but he guesses Seokmin could do whatever he wants because he's like that. "Because of you... I was so mad at the fact that they asked you I wanted to make it impossible for them to be able to even demand it from you, it feels so unfair for us to have to live like that," he says, and turns his eyes down.

"But then I realized that's not how I want to change things. And... I think now I know I want to stay into music, so I can change people's values this way, make them understand love," he explains, and now Soonyoung can see the confidence in his eyes. It's not burning, not with a passion Soonyoung sees in himself, but maybe it doesn't have to be. Seokmin looks comfortable, settled in a way that's a bit unnerving.

He looks... different. Maybe it's because he's with Soonyoung, but he looks more composed, more determined, somehow more serious. Soonyoung has yet to figure if it's too far though. His heart aches at the possibility that maybe he's broken Seokmin, that he's changed him that much.

"I'm so happy for you," he breathes out, because maybe he is. Seokmin was conflicted before, seemed to be so insecure about his future. Maybe there's nothing wrong in the fact that he's decided his path, maybe sometimes you need to be broken to figure what lays ahead.

"What about you? What's changed?"

For Soonyoung, nothing that he is changed, but his life did; he's maybe the exact opposite from Seokmin.

"Just... the people that I know and the things that I do. They have impact... so I guess that changed. I feel like I know so much more of the world now, like somewhere there, I have some little impact too."

Maybe they both matured in the way they needed to.

"Was it hard?" Seokmin asks but he knows because Soonyoung has told him before.

"So hard... even now, it's so hard. The culture is just a lot," he shrugs. "I wouldn't be anywhere else though. The community between us, and even BTS members and people that we work with is amazing, so I wouldn't give that for anything."

Seokmin smiles at him and relaxes, picking up his forgotten mug.

"I guess we both have to work on so much, right?"

"Do you? Want to try?" Soonyoung asks, light, but in reality he's so afraid of the answer, down to his bones.

"I do," Seokmin says, convinced. "No matter what, I know that we're strong enough for it to work."

The words take such a weight from Soonyoung's chest, he didn't think it possible.

"I do too, so much. I know that," he breathes out and looks at Seokmin. Like that, lounging on the sofa, smile on his face, relief in his expression too, Soonyoung knows he has no reason to doubt himself or him anymore.

They talk until very late at night, catching up on everything; Seokmin tells him more about him, about his life, Soonyoung tells him about the tour, about all the people he's met and the things he's done. When it's almost 3 AM, he goes home, warmth spreading in his chest.

* * *

A few days after, they decide to get coffee in the hour they both have free. It's so good just to be able to be together like that, chatting over iced Americano, relaxing on the porch of a cafe. Summer is starting to hit strong, and Soonyoung already feels more free in the warmth.

"Are you coming to the end of the year party this weekend? You should, seriously, get back in the college mood," Seokmin teases him.

"There is one? I didn't know about it," he exclaims, sipping at his Americano.

"You didn't? Mingyu said it in the group chat," he says, and right after his mistake dawns on his face.

Soonyoung suspected it when the messages of the usually so busy group chat stopped coming in after their fight.

"It's okay," he says, because he doesn't want Seokmin to feel guilty for something that's barely his fault. It's a good day and he won't have it ruined. "I'll come, let's go."

* * *

He doesn't feel great at the party. Everyone is there and even if it's massive, in someone's house he doesn't know and it's dark, the fact he has to be with his friends doesn't help. Seokmin is always with him, most of the time if he's not talking to people, and yet that seems to be worse. He doesn't know if anyone knows how they are now, that they've talked, that they're trying to fix their relationship. It doesn't seem so, by the looks he's getting.

Some people don't seem to care though. Chan, Junhui and Minghao are genuinely happy to see him, and even Jeonghan and Joshua seem okay with him; Seokmin must've confided in him, he guesses. Jihoon and Seungcheol are Jihoon and Seungcheol, and especially after they helped him move in and get everything right again, he feels comfortable with them.

With some, it's a different story. Most of them he doesn't know what side they're on if there are even any sides left, but if there's one thing he knows for sure, if that Seungkwan would make him disappear from the face of the earth if he could.

It's only natural then that when they seem to end up on the porch, some people smoking, that it all turns sour. He would've been surprised if it didn't.

He doesn't know what started it, what threw him off, but Seungkwan is up in his face in seconds. Soonyoung's getting really tired of all this bullshit, but he's signaled to Seokmin to stay away, that he'll deal with this. He understands Seungkwan, he fucked it up with his best friend, and if he can fix it, he'll try to.

Except there's nothing that can be fixed. Seungkwan throws to him a why are you here, he answers that why shouldn't he be here, but before he can say anything else, Seungkwan interrupts him.

"Because you weren't here when everything was shit, you were out there having fun and fucking with idols."

Soonyoung thinks he heard it wrong, and everybody else seems to freeze. Seungkwan rolls his eyes and clicks his tongue like he's disgusted and turns back to him.

"Please, we've all seen the videos. You and Park Jimin were _so_ cozy and happy and we, all dumbasses, were back here dealing with the mess _you_ caused."

Soonyoung's had enough. There were a lot of things he could take because he knew he messed up, but Seungkwan implying what he did is the last straw. He doesn't know what he wants to say when he opens his mouth, just that he has so many scathing things on the tip of his tongue, but a hand jolts out in front of him, and he stops.

"I've had enough with all of you," Seokmin says, and even over the loud music, he can hear him so clearly. "I'm so tired of all of you thinking you're my saviors and speaking for me because you think you know better than me, like I'm a child. You don't know anything, and from now on I swear, if I hear you talking for me or throwing stuff around one more time... I'm done, we're leaving, I've had it," he throws, so annoyed and so angry, unlike anything Soonyoung's ever seen in him before. He's so taken aback, probably why he can't react; this Seokmin is not the Seokmin that he knows.

When he grabs Soonyoung's wrist, his grip is tight, and Soonyoung grabs him in return to show him he's there. There are so many things he wants to say, but he doesn't think it would go well, so he throws Seungkwan a look that he thinks says enough, and follows Seokmin out of the back door and through the house until they reach the front door.

Seokmin is breathing hard, his fists clenched, and Soonyoung says fuck it and grabs his arms.

"Hey, calm down. It's okay."

"It's not, I've seriously had enough. They treat me like I don't have a voice, like I don't even exist in this situation. I've been so annoyed with them for months."

"They just want to look out for you."

Seokmin huffs. "If they did, they'd let me talk first."

"If it helps, I don't think a lot of people agree with him," Soonyoung hears Jihoon's voice behind him. Next to him, Seungcheol nods.

"I don't want to divide you further," Soonyoung answers to him, still holding on to Seokmin.

"You won't," Jihoon says, his tongue clicking in annoyance. "It's not all about you two, it's also what each of us thinks. There are no sides to take, but even if some people think there are, we don't all agree." He shrugs his shoulder, but Soonyoung sees what he's saying.

"See you later. Take care," Seungcheol says and Jihoon waves and they're gone. Next to him, Seokmin is still thrumming, it's like a live current that Soonyoung can feel around him, so he turns to him, looking at him silently before they start the walk back.

It seems to be the default that Seokmin is coming back with him, so Soonyoung doesn't say anything. He'll help him relax as he seems to be more wired up and annoyed than Soonyoung; maybe they'll talk and figure out how to go further from here.

Except when they enter the house and he turns to look at Seokmin through the low light of the lamp he's turned on, he would be a fool to mistake the look in his eyes.

He takes one step, two towards Seokmin, who seems to be waiting for him, not making a move. It's when he reaches him that Seokmin puts his hands on his waist and pulls him into him so fast, their lips colliding together for the first time in _forever_.

He didn't feel fireworks when they first kissed, but now it's a spectacle of light behind his eyelids, his whole body alight under Seokmin's lips, his hands, his warmth. He's wanted this for so long, so so long he feels nothing but relief and pleasure. He can't break off from Seokmin's lips even when they walk to the bedroom, barely noticing anything he's hitting. It's like the first time but so much better, so intense and _so good_ in the confidence he has with Seokmin, how he knows they match.

Seokmin barely breaks their kiss enough to take their shirts off and land on the bed, Soonyoung straddling him and kissing him again right after. Seokmin's so responsive, moans and heavy breaths of Soonyoung's name as he can't help it and kisses down his neck, leaves a mark on his chest.

It's then that Seokmin grabs him and turns them around, Soonyoung under him and rolling his hips up to get the feeling again, borderline desperate. Seokmin's firm when he grabs at Soonyoung's hips to help him, presses him down on the mattress. The weight above him is comforting, Seokmin's strength grounding him like it always did.

It's all familiar but it feels so different, Seokmin's fingers on him, inside him; he feels so much surer of himself, so much stronger Soonyoung can't help but let go and leave himself to him.

"Did you... do anything with anyone?" Seokmin asks, hesitant.

"I didn't, no, Seokmin," he answers, a whisper. He could never.

"Me neither," he whispers back, and Soonyoung doesn't imagine the relief in his voice.

When he pushes in, Soonyoung sees stars. It's been so long, he is so weak to the stretch of Seokmin inside him, to his grip on his ass. He doesn't exaggerate when he says he feels so right and feels complete, kind of dizzy and blind with pleasure; maybe he says it, maybe he doesn't, but Seokmin kisses him like he's answering him.

He doesn't last long, couldn't when Seokmin slams into him so good; he wraps his hands behind his head to hold on, his head thrown back in pleasure. Seokmin bites at his neck, drags his tongue over his pulse point, and Soonyoung is weak, whines and moans buried under his hand so he doesn't make too much noise. Seokmin grinds his palm on him a few times, and when he brushes his thumb over Soonyoung's tip and nails his spot, he's gone, shaking on the bed with the intensity of his orgasm.

He feels it so bad when Seokmin just doesn't stop, drawing oversensitive whines out of him. It's so much and he wants it to never end, wants to never have the feeling go away. He whines in protest when Seokmin pulls out and comes on his stomach, some drops of his come landing on Soonyoung's sensitive cock. It's exhausting even though this was probably the shortest round they've ever had, still out of his head from the experience. Another round in a while doesn't sound terrible, and he turns to grin at Seokmin, except Seokmin's face looks crestfallen, his teeth grinding.

In one second he springs up from the bed, determined to find his clothes, not even sparing Soonyoung a glance, and Soonyoung realizes then what they've done, like a bucket of cold water dumped on him.

"Minnie..."

"I'm sorry," Seokmin answers, pulling his clothes on.

Watching Seokmin like that, sitting up on the bed, naked with his and Seokmin's come still drying on his stomach, he thinks this is the worst he's ever felt.

"This was a..."

"No, don't say that just because we decided to take it slow and it feels wrong," Soonyoung interrupts him, his voice ringing loud and strong in the quiet room. "Nothing with you is a mistake for me."

If Seokmin leaves like that, on Soonyoung's side, it's over.

"What do you want me to say then?"

"That we both wanted it and we move on, take it slow again if we want to. Don't dare run away."

Seokmin keeps quiet for a while, but he stops moving, standing in the middle of the room.

"You didn't seem like you did. Seems like I forced you into it," Seokmin says after considering his words, low and looking at the ground. Now Soonyoung gets it. He's angry at himself.

But Soonyoung won't take that. So he gets up, puts his underwear on even if he's dirty, and walks to Seokmin.

"You're an idiot if you think I wouldn't say it if I didn't want it like you don't matter enough to me or that I don't trust you enough to. Look at me," Soonyoung says, with all the conviction he has. "I want you. I want to be with you so bad, you have no idea. I want everything with you, from you, and you will never hurt me because I trust that you won't, that you'll listen if I say no. You just have to trust me to say no too," he says, licking his lips. "Please... just listen to me and stop doubting yourself in this relationship, I need you to talk to me more."

"I'm sorry... I really fucked up," he whispers, still in his mind, somewhere there.

"You didn't fuck up," he says and brushes Seokmin's jaw with his hand to get him to focus on him. "You can let go more with me and don't feel guilty for it. In what you say or what you do. I want you, Seokmin, not a version you think you should show me," he pauses. "Tell me what you feel now."

"I feel that... I kind of pushed you into this because I felt awful from the party even though we said we'd take it slow. And I feel guilty for it 'cause..." he pauses and looks like he won't continue, but Soonyoung understands what he's getting at.

"And if I tell you that you didn't? You've promised me once that you won't ever betray my trust, and you haven't. So why are you still thinking?"

"I did," he scoffs, still in an attempt to punish himself.

"You didn't. I know I've been through things, but that doesn't mean you can't let yourself need things when you're with me and you have to make it all about me. If I have to say no, I'll say it, so you can let go because I want you," he affirms, putting weight behind his words.

"Okay... I guess... it just didn't feel right with me."

"It's okay if it didn't, the fact that you know it means you can change it if you want. You don't have to say it's a mistake and blame yourself and make this hard. We can just talk, I'm okay."

"Okay..." Seokmin breathes out like he's grounding himself. It takes seconds, maybe minutes, but when he comes back, he looks more peaceful. Soonyoung can wait. "Okay. Thank you. For talking me through it and not letting me leave."

"If there's one thing I can do, that's talking," Soonyoung says, and grins. "We good?" he asks and pulls a cute face at Seokmin because now that they're okay, he can allow himself to feel good about having Seokmin back like this.

"Yeah," Seokmin smiles back, genuine, and Soonyoung beams. "Let's talk tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for reference, the videos Seungkwan is referring to are inspired by pretty much all the very cute videos of Jimin with backup dancers from this tour; if you don't know them, he just kind of hugs dancers at the end or like jumped into someone's arms once, super cute fluff. Seungkwan just makes his implications from them. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	3. if someone says they can turn back time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back! (If you were here before, yes I did take the songs out.)  
> This chapter is also a bit shorter than usual because I didn't want to add useless scenes, but hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Monday he walks into work late due to a medical appointment that morning, but when he enters, it's silent. Not completely, but compared to the ruckus he is usually surrounded by, it seems like he's at a funeral. People keep glancing at him as he heads to the practice room, and when he walks in, Jinah takes a look at him and walks to him somberly, hesitance in her steps.

"You need to go to Park CEO's office, he's here to see you."

The world falls on Soonyoung. Park CEO barely comes to their studio.

He knows what it's about, how couldn't he. So he braves it up, texts Jimin that he's called to the office, and gathers all the last bits of courage he seems to have in his body before he knocks. A grave voice calls him in and he opens the door.

Park CEO is a man too dignified to be mad. He is not one of those old men prone to anger and bad decisions. He's barely forty, an amazing dancer himself, trained and educated both in Korea and the US, and with a shrewd business sense. Anything he wants, he will do whatever he needs to get it, and he will get it in the end. He will talk, he will persuade and get his way.

Soonyoung sits down, and he doesn't know what in him makes him able to relax in the chair while squaring his shoulders; maybe it's Jimin and BTS' confidence in him, maybe it's Seokmin's words from back then that make him able to at least pretend he's not shaking in his seat. Park CEO doesn't look angry, just considers him; Soonyoung feels like his soul is bared open, analyzed under a microscope.

"Thank you for coming, Kwon Soonyoung-ssi. Truthfully, I wanted to have this conversation with you a while ago, however, I believe that now it absolutely needs to happen."

"That is true," Soonyoung says and sends a silent prayer that his voice is not shaking. "Thank you for having me."

"This is a representative of BigHit; they have requested to also be here for this conversation." Now Soonyoung notices the figure in a corner in the room; he's an executive of BigHit, and someone he believes Namjoon mentioned as being fairly nice. Soonyoung nods and brings his hands together in his lap, resisting the urge to wring them or snap his fingers or do anything that shows how nervous he is.

"Mr. Kwon, you have helped us immensely with BTS' tour, and all of them have spoken very highly of you. You are an amazing dancer with great potential, true leadership qualities, and a lot of ideas for choreography. I have been looking at you for a while now, and I see in you a strength of character and potential very rarely found," he says, and he is not flattering Soonyoung just to flatter him. This is not the type of man that lies.

"And so when it was brought up to us that the issue we chatted about before still came up, I admit that I have given it much thought," Park CEO says and pauses, reclining in his chair. "I am not in the business of losing talent, Mr. Kwon. I will be honest with you and say that this studio has succeeded because of the many amazing people that work here, and losing one of them is not something I want to do."

Soonyoung hasn't been breathing properly for minutes maybe, tries to keep his lips closed so he doesn't make any sound. The CEO's words sound like the end for him here, and even if he expected it, it doesn't mean he wants to hear it.

"So let me put this straight. If we keep you and demand what we have demanded so far from you, it would potentially get us in trouble with the wonderful people at BigHit," he says and points to the representative, who nods his head. It doesn't look like he's on Soonyoung's side though. "They made it clear that BTS would want this situation changed, and we would like to change it, however BigHit also has said that they will not do anything if we decide not to work with you in the future." That's it right there, how he remembers how low he is in this whole food chain. "However, as I mentioned, Mr. Kwon, I am not in the business of losing talent, and I would like to think I know when certain changes need to be made to advance. And thus I wanted to let you know that we will not be stopping our partnership, however, we will not be able to fully and openly accommodate your lifestyle. What we propose is that everything is kept secret, and nothing happens while you tour with BTS or anyone else you work with while being part of our studio, as your name is nowadays quite associated with ours via videos or choreographies you made. If anything comes out or someone brings up noticing something out of the ordinary, I will not be able to be so nice. How does that sound?"

It's how he says it that he gets Soonyoung. Like Soonyoung committed a crime that needs to be kept secret, like he's doing Soonyoung a favor despite him being wrong and belittling him with his "kindness". It doesn't feel good, he doesn't feel relieved, he doesn't feel thankful, he feels like shit. But he can't say no. If he does, he doesn't know what BigHit will think and how that will turn the relationships further; after all, they need to hire him if he fucks this up even if BTS pulls strings for him, and he's not sure it'll be able to happen or how he will be treated. In their eyes, this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

"I understand," Soonyoung says, between grinding teeth that he's trying not to make obvious. "Thank you for proposing this to me, I believe for now this works." He doesn't realize he says it when he does, how the 'for now' slips out, changing the entire meaning of the sentence he was supposed to say. Park CEO cocks a discrete eyebrow at him and he knows he'll be in his eyes for the whole time he'll work there if it is much longer.

"Then you are dismissed _for now_ , Mr. Kwon. If anything comes up, we will make sure to let you know. Thank you for your cooperation," he says and Soonyoung gets up, bows deeply and leaves the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

He doesn't know how to feel; he should be grateful he's allowed to have both of the things he thought he wouldn't be able to, but this doesn't feel like a resolution. It seems it is a weak compromise, like another brick added hastily to a tower that seems to be falling anyway. But for now, it will have to do.

* * *

He recounts it all to Jimin on his way home later that night; he doesn't quite share all of it because he doesn't want to burden him more. Maybe he's overexaggerating and it will be fine. Jimin doesn't seem convinced so maybe he fails, but it's still something that they can put aside for now.

When he gets home, Jihoon isn't there, probably at Seungcheol's. Now that summer is officially here and they're all done with classes, Jihoon seems to be less stressed as well. Soonyoung hadn't been there for the seniors' graduating ceremony, but none of them are leaving the area anytime soon except for Seungcheol, who's going away on a business trip for a few weeks; he's landed a really good job at a company, not that anyone expected less, so he knows Jihoon wants to spend some time with him before he leaves.

He's glad Jihoon isn't here though, because even though his bones ache from today's practice, he wants to dance. He stretches thoroughly because he hadn't gotten to today, puts music in and moves things around the living room so he has space; coffee table next to the wall, sofa next to the TV table, lamp in a corner. He lets the music flow through him, the beats to lead the movement of his hands, the steps he takes. It takes some of the issues away for a few minutes at most, which is enough.

 

* * *

They don't manage to take it slow, Seokmin and he. Soonyoung ends up under him soon enough, but this time they seem to be better accepting the fact that they can't really stay away from each other. Two weeks pass and they fall into some semblance of a routine; when he'll finish work late, Seokmin will sometimes wait for him if he doesn't have work himself for his internship at the indie theatre studio. When he finishes early, he'll go pick him up and they'll go somewhere in Seoul to talk and see things they haven't yet, or things that make them feel at peace.

He welcomes how Seokmin makes him forget about whatever is going on, how he still feels unsettled, anxious back in Seoul. He doesn't know why; he has a job, some sort of a relationship, most of his friends back, and his relationship with his family is alright. There's really no way to explain it, how he can't seem to smile that much or feel as much as he did before.

When he's with Seokmin he's with him though, and he can allow himself to be comfortably numb in his presence, from their talks. He can't recount how many times they ended up on the banks of the Han River in Cheongdam-dong in just two weeks, admiring the lights at night and the scenery around them. It's upscale for them, all these places that remind them of their dreams, and yet the Han River is most peaceful and the least busy in these areas. There, Soonyoung can hold Seokmin's fingers between his in peace.

It's maybe a bit different this Sunday; he's had a rough day, or more like a rough week since the conversation on Monday, fucked up so many times during practice that when he sees Seokmin, it's like a breath of fresh air. They get dinner and iced coffee and then walk, the sun now down; Gangnam looks massive behind them, and Soonyoung feels almost claustrophobic. It's when he plops down on the grass, no one in sight, and turns to Seokmin, breathing hard, that he feels like he can gather himself.

"You okay?"

"No, but I will be," he says, and Seokmin gathers him in his arms. He rests the back of his head on Seokmin's chest, looking up at the sky. There are no stars in Seoul, the highway is busy behind them and it doesn't go away, and there is a group of people pretty far away screaming chicken, presumably when their delivery comes, but Seokmin puts one earphone in his ear and plays him a song he says he really wanted to show him, and from the lyrics he understands he almost wants to tear up, feels the knot come up in his throat. Seokmin plays with his hair, rubs his hand over his shoulder, and Soonyoung holds himself back.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I guess... It's just that the situation at the studio is not great. You know that I didn't quit because... honestly because it's too good of an opportunity. And they know that too. But Jimin intervened for me with BigHit so that they could reach out to the studio and ask them to change their policies, or otherwise they wouldn't work with them," he takes a breath, and Seokmin stops the next song that comes.

"And I guess they did... but they made me feel like shit about it."

"Like how?"

"The way he talked... he told me he didn't want to give me up because of what I could do, but it was like I had committed a crime or something, like I had something nasty to hide and he would help me cover up in exchange of me working for him. Like he was nice for even allowing me to even keep it a secret. I don't know, it just didn't feel right."

"You know what I think," Seokmin says, and Soonyoung remembers his words from back then.

"I know. But can you... put that aside for a few seconds. What should I do?"

"I can't put it aside and I don't think you should either. If it feels wrong it feels wrong because it is wrong. But... I know you want to continue so I guess you should just go on until you can't anymore."

"I was thinking of quitting at the end of the summer. And then go through the whole scouting process all over again. If word doesn't get out, then I have a chance, right?"

"I think you know you have a chance anywhere. This is why they didn't let you go, because you're good. So don't doubt that."

"Yeah... maybe. I've been thinking and I think that's what I'll do, what makes the most sense." He turns his eyes to Seokmin, and he looks down at him. "Thank you. For being with me and helping with this mess." Seokmin squeezes his shoulder but doesn't say anything.

"How's everybody?" he asks, and Seokmin scoffs. It hits him then, all of a sudden, that he hasn't seen Seokmin smile in a while, not widely and honestly like he used to before.

"Seungkwan still won't talk to me. Thinks I'm an idiot. Most people reached out to apologize though. I think I was too angry then and didn't say what I should have said, but."

"I think you needed to say it. Maybe it wasn't the right time or the right way but you still needed to."

"Yeah... I don't know how to change it though and go back to how it was before, when we didn't have all this stuff."

How it was before. What a thought, Soonyoung thinks.

"Maybe they'll understand it as we go. I think that maybe when we're okay, they will be too, with us," Soonyoung says.

"Do you believe that?"

"Yeah, I think so. I think maybe at some point we'll need to clear up things, but I don't think they're mad at me that much and got the memo from you."

"Except Seungkwan."

"Except him." Soonyoung can't imagine how it is for Seokmin to not be able to talk to his best friend. Jihoon has been an immense help for Soonyoung, even just being there and doing work with him, or grabbing meals where they talked about shallow stuff, nothing and everything.

"It's okay, it will work out," Soonyoung breathes out, and Seokmin shows him another song. It's low and ethereal, but not soft. It's kind of hard-hitting, and even though the night is hot, he shivers.

 

* * *

This time it's different. This is maybe the first time that he really can't get out of his head, but he grabs Seokmin's hands and puts them on him nonetheless.

"Please, baby," he whispers, low in the moonlight. The light is not even on, and so Soonyoung can't see, can't expect what Seokmin will do, can just try to lose himself to the feelings. Seokmin takes him in his mouth and Soonyoung grabs his hair; Seokmin loosens his throat and lets Soonyoung fuck up weakly into his mouth, eyes rolling back in his head from pleasure.

Seokmin doesn't let him come though; he grabs his hands before he can, pins them to the bed and braces himself on his elbows on top of him. When he kisses him, Soonyoung can taste himself on his tongue.

It feels like years and like mere seconds at the same time when he loses himself under the feeling of Seokmin on top of him. He takes his time, dragging fingers over his sides, his ribs, pinching his nipples. Even if he's not that sensitive, this time he feels the current travel through him, through his stomach, his head dropping back and his mouth opening silently in pleasure. Seokmin kisses all the parts on his body that make him sensitive; his navel, his thighs, back up to his neck. Soonyoung can't help but keep his hands above his head, where Seokmin put them, and let himself melt under Seokmin's lips.

Soon enough, Seokmin works him open on his fingers and Soonyoung begs him to fuck him already, please. Seokmin kisses him and obliges, putting his knees on his shoulder and pushing in so deep Soonyoung sees stars. He's flexible enough for it not to hurt when Seokmin almost bends him in half, whining through it.

He feels helpless to the feeling, to how Seokmin is so good to him so he can't help but let go, feeling like he's melting into the sheets. There's something there, buzzing in his head, but he finds that if he focuses on nothing it just goes, and he can just enjoy how pleasure burns through his blood. He empties his head, lets Seokmin take care of him.

He barely realizes when Seokmin comes and when he comes as well, a kind of bone-deep contentment settling into him, that feeling you get when you're so exhausted both physically and mentally that finally when you're somehow at peace, you feel like the epitome of relaxation. He cuddles up to Seokmin when he drops down next to him, whining about how much he doesn't want to clean up even though he has to.

Seokmin doesn't say anything, just jumps up from the bed and exits the room, heading to the bathroom. Soonyoung has a bad feeling that resembles how he felt the first time they hooked up since he came back, a while ago. He gives Seokmin time because maybe he's wrong, maybe he just needed to use the bathroom, but when Seokmin doesn't come back in the next few minutes, he wipes himself up with tissues on the nightstand, puts on boxers and a shirt and urges his heart to stay out of his throat.

The bathroom door isn't closed, slightly ajar. Soonyoung wants to knock and that perhaps says enough about how strange he feels before he opens it. Seokmin is bracing his hands straight on the sink, head hung low and breathing heavy. Soonyoung walks to him, puts his hands on his hips and interlocks his fingers on his waist, hugging him from behind and hooking his chin over his shoulder. Seokmin doesn't budge.

"You okay?" he asks, concern in his voice.

"I think we should stop sleeping together."

Soonyoung feels like someone punched him in the chest and _it hurts,_ the air gone from his lungs. He untangles himself from Seokmin carefully, stepping back until he's pressed to the door.

"Why?" he asks, and his voice is flat.

"Do you feel good?" Seokmin asks, turning his head to him. "Because I don't. Every single time I feel like it's off, unlike it used to be, like you're not there, somewhere else, and I'm... taking advantage of you," he sputters, conflicted. "I know you told me it's not like that and you'd tell me and I tried but that's how I feel, and I can't ignore it anymore."

Soonyoung doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what he did, what he can tell Seokmin.

"I do... I do feel good." That's the only thing he can say because he can't bear to say it is like before. Since it would be a lie.

"I just can't take the words anymore. I feel awful every single time and I don't think I can do it anymore."

"So then what?" Soonyoung asks, his voice level but he's _so scared._

"Let's just. Let's just go on dates and stuff. Or just hang out. Friends without the benefits."

Because that's what they were lately, friends with benefits. Like they can just go back to being friends who don't even want to hide their feelings. Soonyoung almost scoffs, but he's so tired of fighting he doesn't want this to lead into an argument.

"Okay. If you think it's better."

"I don't think it's better. I don't know what's better, Soonyoung. I just know I can't go on like this. I want you and I want to be with you. Just not like this."

Does he? Want him? Soonyoung genuinely doesn't know. He just doesn't have the strength this time to tell him to stop running away, and maybe someone else will fix things this time.

Seokmin kisses him once more before he leaves. It doesn't feel like they fought or that they're at a tension with each other. It just feels like something else came up and this time instead of fighting it, they just gave up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I promise that this will not be all angst. Seriously. We're almost seeing the light. But I don't think it's always easy to just fall back into things like these, and so I don't want to make it like it is. 
> 
> Please leave comments with anything and thank you for reading!


	4. i was just too afraid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... no news, college still kicking my butt, however I hope you all are still reading this. Decided to give up on the music thing because it's too difficult to fit it to everyone and I feel like it would take away instead of add things when it gets complicated, so in the rare moments a song is really significant, I'll add it in, like it is in this chapter! If you haven't ever listened to 'Don't Listen in Secret', I'd recommend you open it when it's in the fic, and just take the time to listen to it and read the lyrics, and then play it again when you go back. What it says is so significant not only to the fic, but it's also such a beautiful song it deserves to be listened to properly. 
> 
> Thank you for bearing with my slow updates, and I hope you enjoy the light. <3

2 weeks pass in a painful status quo that gives Soonyoung so much anxiety. It's summer break for Seokmin too now, and because he has a lot of free time before his internship starts, they hang out often, but it's always with something heavily hanging over them. Soonyoung makes good on his promise and teaches him how to drive in fields and unused roads around his house, and they have dinner with his family often, but now that they're just friends, it's easier to hide. They hang out with friends more often too, they go to movies and arcades, fun cafes, and Soonyoung feels their group's dynamics slowly get back to normal; he feels like he has his friends back a little bit at least, can share with them when life at the studio is tough or when he feels annoyed with how things are.

Jeonghan must've also told them a bit about their phone conversation, because they try to acknowledge his difficulties and finally ask questions about the tour, about his life. When they finally get drunk at Jeonghan's house one evening and they talk about everything, it's when they realize they're beating a dead horse by talking all over again; from that point on, all that needed to be said has been said, and the only thing forward is to get accustomed to each other's presence again. Some things can maybe just be forgiven and forgotten, and it's been so long since they've had each other's presence that fighting seems pointless, and all of them are willing to forget.

* * *

Besides, the studio and Seokmin give him enough anxiety as it is. He's been beating himself down over what happened, has tried to figure out what could possibly be the issue between them now. He's been himself and Seokmin has too, so he doesn't know what to change, where to start, so he just goes on, hangs out with him, they go on dates, hold hands, maybe make out sometimes. Seokmin, however, always backs off when it seems to head further, and it leaves Soonyoung more and more frustrated each time.

It's one night when they hang out at his place, watching a movie, that he feels like it might finally go further. They bicker and joke around, throw popcorn at each other, and Soonyoung feels comfortable for the first time in a while.

Seokmin tickles Soonyoung and he literally squeals, a sound he will always deny making, just to win the last candy. He does and eats it, Soonyoung still laughing, when he hears Seokmin go silent, and the laughter dies down in his throat as well. When he rights himself, Seokmin is staring at himself like he's trying to figure something out, at some spot on Soonyoung's shoulder. The mood shifts in a split second, like the night envelops them and the air turns heavy, pointed. Soonyoung stares back.

"Minnie," he says, soft yet poignant, a heavy whisper under his breath. Seokmin looks at his eyes too and their eyes meet, slow and yet so powerful. Soonyoung barely, as not to break the fragile bubble, leana on his hands to look at Seokmin closer, to show that he wants this, that he can open up to him. Seokmin blinks once, twice, takes a deep breath, and before Soonyoung can realize it, Seokmin is kissing him. Soonyoung relaxes in an instant, conditioned to how Seokmin's kisses make him calm, lax. It's slow, so so slow, the drag of Seokmin's tongue searching when Soonyoung opens up for him, and it feels like seconds and hours both when he pulls away. He waits, looking into Soonyoung's eyes, and Soonyoung waits as well for him to continue, to do whatever he wants with him, _finally_.

"I can't, Soonie." And that's how quickly it ends.

"I get it, it's okay." He turns his head away, but the knot in his throat lets him know how badly he wants to cry.

"I'm sorry. I'll go."

"Okay," Soonyoung says and squeezes his hand when Seokmin takes it away from his hip. He sees himself out, and right as the front door shuts, he lets go and cries.

He can't blame him, how can he? How can he blame Seokmin for feeling terrible when he knows he's not wrong? It's just frustrating, how they're turning in a circle with no exit and he can't seem to figure out how to fix it. He grinds his teeth and shakes his head to stop crying, but the frustration, the helplessness, the anger doesn't really go away.

* * *

It doesn't until the next morning, when he wakes up and sees Seokmin left his hoodie behind and everything just rises up again. It's not tears, just frustration, and on the way to the studio it doesn't go either. He's been working with a larger group for the past weeks, and maybe Soonyoung is paranoid, but he doesn't feel like he's exaggerating when he says everyone is looking at him, shooting him dirty looks when he messes up choreography. He knows this is the company's plan though, to drive him out and he promised himself to not give in, but he's never felt like this, so angry and frustrated with everything that he feels the need to put his foot forward somewhere.

 _"If I quit, am I weak or am I strong?"_ he texts Jimin during lunch, outside at a table by himself. It takes almost the whole lunch break for Jimin to respond, and he has the time to think through it.

 _"Finally"_ Jimin texts him back. _"What prompted this?"_

 _"I'm just done with everything. I feel like I've been floating and let myself be led by the current these past few months and I can't take it anymore"_ he texts, fingers flying across the phone keyboard. _"I think... we can talk about this later if you don't mind but I feel that since I came back and all of this stuff happened with my friends and Seokmin and the studio I've been so tired and so overwhelmed I just didn't deal with it. So I have to start somewhere"_ he pours out, and waits for Jimin to text him back.

 _"I figured that a long time ago, but I didn't know if it was just you or something different"_ Jimin texts back, and Soonyoung sighs, his head on his knees. The stretch grounds him, reminds him of where he is.

 _"It's not"_ he answers, because it's not him. It might have been the fact that he was shut out from everything, the stress of the tour or the studio, the many decisions he had to make, but he realizes he hasn't been like himself in months, wasn't strong enough to rise up to fix things.

 _"Do what you have to do"_ Jimin texts, and Soonyoung sighs because he knows what he has to do, and the decision has been made from a long time ago. _"But you're not weak if you quit. Giving up such a position and certainty for your values and how you feel is not easy, even if they want you to do it"_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah. I'm sorry I couldn't help you more"_

_"No, don't apologize. You did all you could"_ Soonyoung writes hastily because it's really not their fault.

_"I hope you know I wasn't joking though. I'll figure out how you can come work with us because I think we would really benefit from having you"_

_"You don't have to! I don't want you to feel like you have to, I'll figure it out"_ he texts, because he doesn't want Jimin to feel like he owes him. They've done too much for him.

_"We have to prepare choreo for the next comeback, and having someone fresh and with your ideas would be the best thing we could have. So shh and we'll figure it out, I'll talk to everyone"_

Soonyoung is grateful, so so grateful.

 _"Thank you hyung"_ he writes simply, but he'll thank them properly later. He feels more settled in his choice, like even the thought of quitting is enough to clear his anxiety instead of giving him even more, so he guesses he has to now.

* * *

He starts drafting his email right when he gets home that night, and it's so satisfying to write that out he doesn't know how he resisted this long. He has to still be there for two weeks after giving his notice, but after that he's free. He's free.

He can't help but laugh, by himself in the lamp-lit room, because he feels like the weight of a thousand worlds has been taken off of his chest. He's so genuinely relieved, so happy that he finally feels the motivation burning for him to redo his life, to finally get a grasp on the strings that slipped between his fingers.

It takes maybe one minute before he feels the urge to text him. He doesn't bother hiding it or repressing it.

_"Can we meet tomorrow?"_

It takes barely a few seconds for Seokmin to reply, like always. He wonders if he's like that with everyone else or just Soonyoung.

_"When do you want to?"_

_"Can I pick you up after work? At around 4:30?"_

_"You're not staying late?"_

_"Nope, not anymore"_ he can't help but type. He wants to tell him now, the excitement burning inside him, but he'll wait until tomorrow.

 _"Okay? See you_ soon _"_ Seokmin types and Soonyoung chuckles.

* * *

When he picks Seokmin up the next day, he's almost shaking with excitement while driving to their spot, and Seokmin notices.

"What's up with you?" he asks, and when Soonyoung just grins at him, Seokmin smiles back and laughs.

"I'll tell you when we get there," he says, winking, and Seokmin chuckles, him too in a seemingly good mood.

When he gets to the parking lot and kills the engine, grabbing the backpack with the pastries and drinks he got before picking Seokmin up, it's obvious how Seokmin is dying to ask him.

"So what's up," Seokmin asks while they trek to their spot, a clearing a bit deeper in the forest, and Soonyoung looks around, finds nobody close to them, says fuck it and grabs his hand, interlocking their fingers.

"I quit," he says merrily, skipping a few steps and grinning at Seokmin.

"You what?" Seokmin's jaw drops, tugging on Soonyoung's hand when he stops in his tracks. Soonyoung stops as well and turns too, facing Seokmin.

"I quit. The studio."

"You're serious."

"Yes, I really am," he says and tugs Seokmin forward again, almost at their spot.

"Why? How come? I mean not that I'm not happy, but..." He's obviously happy, if the smile on his face is enough indicator.

"I just couldn't take it anymore," he explains, dropping his stuff and putting the blanket on the grass. "I realized that I could keep being miserable for a couple more months there or quit and not do that, all for pretty much the same result. It might look worse in my resume, but I think Jimin and BTS are trying to arrange me something in BigHit. In the worst case, they don't and I can figure something out. But I just... I just couldn't handle being in the center of that mess."

"I'm so happy, you have no idea," Seokmin breathes out, and Soonyoung can tell. He grins and tells him everything about it, about his decision, how it turned out, the email, how satisfied he felt today at the studio, even if he's going to miss some people.

So for two hours now, while they are together, Soonyoung truly feels alright. It feels like he's taken a step or two towards what he was supposed to do long before, so he's alright. He really is.

"Seokmin..." he starts a bit before they have to go. "I really don’t feel like I’ve done too much since I came back, I felt kind of like gone and not myself so I’m sorry. I...” he hesitates, bites his lip and fiddles with the bottom of his shirt, but makes sure to look at Seokmin. “You mean the world to me. And I didn’t quit because of you only, but I still feel like I need to do more for us. So I promise I’ll try harder. I swear. So we can be together again, properly.”

“Okay. Me too,” Seokmin answers simply, but Soonyoung can see how his eyes are glistening and the sun is not even out, so he throws his arms around him, hugging him and feeling like he never wants to let go.

When he drops Seokmin off to meet Seungkwan, they kiss. It's refreshing, it feels like home, like now Soonyoung is alive, like he's present now to make his own decisions. It's so different he almost wants to cry, and even if they have work to do, it feels fine. It's fine.

* * *

Soonyoung never really stops, his mind is always on and he's always too busy to just sit down and think without doing anything. If he's not dancing or hanging out with people, he'll watch movies, play games, eat, literally do anything but be blank. So when he settles on the couch with the collaborative playlist he and Seokmin made together and a drink, it's hard to think. It's hard to stop his mind racing and think, but this is how he lost it by just letting go and forgot to think about what he's doing and why he's doing it.

The drink gets opened, his headphones go in, and without realizing it, he plays [that song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GS37BJ5fxE8). The one he received a few weeks after their fight from Jihoon, the one he's spent many nights crying over. He got the full story of it only when he came back, how Seokmin convinced Jihoon to have in one of his final projects this song so he could co-opt people into singing it, how he helped with some of the lyrics and didn't want any sort of acknowledgment. The song itself broke Soonyoung back then, but the story broke him once more, because he could imagine how Seokmin must have felt, the nights writing, the tears, how strongly he felt about it that he got people to help with it even if it was so hard. Everyone sounds fantastic, but Seokmin sounds like he ripped the words straight from his heart, and Soonyoung doesn't think he ever listened to it without crying.

Soonyoung realized it back then, how much it meant, but he was too weak to do anything until the birthday letter, to answer texts or to do anything about it. However, he realizes now how much he's listened to it in secret; how much he was unable to do anything. Now that he looks back, he feels like he wasn't himself, like there was a shadow of him acting when he got too far from what he knew.

For the first time, he now knows what wasn't like before. It was both of them. Soonyoung was so tired and so lost that he acted like he needed someone to take him out of it, and when he came back he just dropped it all on Seokmin. The fights he gave up on, the conversations he didn't finish, the attitude, the sex; looking back, how couldn't Seokmin think that he was just taking advantage of him when them hooking up was for him a way to get himself out of his head, even unknowingly? How relaxed he was under Seokmin's touch, even the act of Soonyoung under him, him doing nothing and just taking it turned from relaxing and comforting to an issue so quickly just because he didn't fully enjoy the fact that it was with Seokmin, but the fact that it took him out of his issues, so he gets it. He gets why Seokmin felt like that, why he couldn't take it anymore; when he felt like he could lose Soonyoung, he let go first so he wouldn't be hurt again.

It speaks a lot about Soonyoung how long it took him to realize that it wasn't fair for Seokmin to bear with all of the issues he put on Seokmin, with him coming from a new perspective, from a life he didn't get, with issues that he couldn't conceive of, and expect for him to make Soonyoung better. How Soonyoung told him to speak more but he didn't do the same in turn. It feels flipped now, it feels strange, and he has to fix it. He doesn't know how he'll bring it up with Seokmin, but he knows that he has to.

* * *

He's resolved to talk things with Seokmin, and so when their apartment goes through maintenance and he has to stay over somewhere else, he says to himself they're going to talk that night.

However, he gets to Seokmin and Seungkwan's new apartment earlier than Seokmin and 10 minutes after he gets there, Seungkwan, who wasn't supposed to come, enters as well, and then drops some stuff, picks up some others, and goes to leave. Soonyoung, from his place on the couch, freezes. Seungkwan scoffs and seems to want to leave in an instant, but Soonyoung is so over this stuff. Seungkwan won't come around, no matter what Seokmin does, and obviously no matter what Soonyoung does either. He's like a stubborn rock in the middle of their way, and Soonyoung doesn't understand why.

"Don't leave. You've been so mad and I don't understand what's your issue with me."

"You've messed up my best friend. He seems to have forgiven you, along with everyone else, but I don't forgive," Seungkwan says, his back turned to him. He's angry, in that kind of bitter way that leaves so many wounds.

"If he has, who are you to stand in front of his decisions? Or think you know better than him?" Soonyoung throws. He'd like to not talk about this ever again, but Seokmin feels bad about it still, so he really feels like he needs to.

"He's in love with you. He's never going to know better."

"You're so annoying and stubborn with this," Soonyoung says, and rolls his eyes because it's true. Seungkwan is just doing this out of spite, it seems, and he won't match up to petty people.

"I am?" Seungkwan turns around, fire in his eyes, his hand on his hip. His eyes are throwing daggers at Soonyoung, and his voice is reflecting just how much pent-up anger is inside him. "You don't fucking know who you are and how much your excuses are worth nothing," he spits. "You came in, treated him like a fuck buddy for weeks when he clearly had feelings for you, he waited for you until you were fucking ready just for him to pour so much love into you and for you to treat him like nothing and leave him, not give a shit about his feelings. And then you pretty much ignored him for months, came back and expected to pick up right where it was and for him to just give you everything back as nothing happened. And I had to fucking be here and see him destroyed for months while I knew he could do so much better," Seungkwan throws out, his cheeks red with anger.

Soonyoung is stunned to see how he sees the whole picture, but there's something that's bugging him from this whole speech, something that was always hanging around that he's finally grasped. If he says it, whatever friendship he could have with Seungkwan is done; if he doesn't, it's going to weigh on him forever, and it might slip when he's with Seokmin.

"You like him," Soonyoung affirms, taken aback but quiet. Seungkwan freezes in his tracks, wide eyes fixed on Soonyoung. "You do, don't you, and he doesn't know?"

The tension in the room turns heavy in a split second, and even though it's almost 30 degrees, Soonyoung feels cold.

"Fuck off," Seungkwan says, but his voice cracks like he's going to cry, and it's enough for Soonyoung to know. Fuck, Soonyoung is too shocked to even be able to say anything.

"Fuck off," he repeats, tearing up this time, and Soonyoung feels _terrible_  to make him practically admit this, because  _wow_. "Don't you dare say anything to him," Seungkwan tells him, his finger pointing at Soonyoung, sniffling even though he's trying so hard to keep it in.

"I would never. Seungkwan, I'm so sorry..." he says because he is. It's not his issue, maybe, but he understands it now, and it must have been so hard for him to see Seokmin like that.

"Don't. Don't say that, you're not sorry. I'm almost over it, I'm really trying to work things out with Vernon, so don't even think about mentioning it," Seungkwan says, threatening, but it doesn't quite work. He seems like he's given up on fighting Soonyoung right from the start, like the admission took more out of him than he could handle.

"I'm genuinely so sorry. It must've been so hard, I'm sorry. I can't say more or do more than say I'm so sorry I put you through this."

"Don't pity me," Seungkwan throws, and Soonyoung instantly feels bad for what he realizes was indeed pity. "I'm okay. Let me make it clear though, I don't approve of this, I don't think you're good for him, and regardless of what I feel, nothing will make me able to tolerate it, so don't even fucking try. You and I will always be separate and we're never going to be friends, and I swear, if you say something, I will end you." This whole conversation is so sudden and it so feels like a part of an alternate universe, Soonyoung can't help but nod.

"I won't, I promise. I hope... you two get to be okay," Soonyoung says, because beyond that, there's nothing he can say. That just completely left the realm of things he can deal with.

Seungkwan humphs and picks up his stuff, putting his shoes on and leaving before Soonyoung can think about something else. For the next half an hour, he sits on the couch and thinks, about what he did from others' perspective, about Seokmin, about how terrible he feels for Seungkwan even though it's Seokmin's choice, about what he should do. He doesn't have an answer to anything.

When Seokmin comes, Soonyoung looks up at him and his weak 'hey' says enough.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing..." he starts, and thinks about what to say to not feel like he's lying. "Someone told me something that shook me a bit, it's okay."

"Oh... everything okay?"

"Yeah... I think it'll be okay," he says and smiles, grabbing Seokmin's hand as he sits on the couch and kisses Soonyoung on the forehead. A tang of guilt goes through him, but he squishes it as quickly as he can because if he dwells on it, no good things will happen; Seungkwan said he'll get over it, and Soonyoung will not sabotage his relationship intentionally. It's not really his issue, so he cuddles up to Seokmin and pecks him on the cheek. He doesn't feel like talking now though, so he asks Seokmin if they can watch some Netflix; they even agree to eat ramyeon, even if they'll be puffy in the morning, and Soonyoung takes a blanket because the blow still runs cold through him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HURTS ME SO BAD to break up BooSeokSoon like this but... but........... no buts, just know I feel the pain too. It's just that... I really think there's a specific reason that Seokmin is the leader, because he seems to be better at joining them, that he's, idk if this is necessarily right, but he's closer to each of them than Soonyoung and Seungkwan are to each other it feels like (if this matters since all of them are close), and when I pick up on a strand of something, I will always turn it into something massive whoops. But yeah... their dynamics are fascinating, even though sad in here. :'(


	5. so that i can be your best again i hold on to myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... enjoy more than 5,000 words of smut... I guess...

"Did you see Seungkwan last night? He said he needed to drop by, and I didn't see it until later." Seokmin asks him the following morning, when they're eating a quick breakfast from the bakery downstairs.

"Yeah, he was here for a minute. Why?"

"Is he still mad at you?"

"Yeah, I don't think that will change," he says, nonchalantly, but there's a knot inside him that tells him this conversation is bordering on dangerous.

"I'm sorry... just try to be nice to him too. I know it must be annoying but..." 

"Why do you keep indulging him with all of this? It just seems... strange," he says, a bit fired up with what Seokmin is saying, but Seokmin searches him, like he doesn't get why Soonyoung is suddenly so harsh on this.

"Did he tell you something?" Soonyoung freezes, his eyes wide. He fucked up, fuck. Not even one day after.

"About what?"

"Hyung... I know." Seokmin says, his eyes pointed, and he waits for Soonyoung to realize what it means.

Soonyoung's jaw drops more out of the fact that it's unexpected, but he realizes he's not surprised. Everyone knows about this kind of stuff when it's between best friends.

"How?"

"I figured it out sometime this spring. After a fight we had."

"Oh."

"Did he tell you everything?"

"No, nothing. He just couldn't deny it."

Seokmin sighs and averts his eyes, looking at the floor.

"I'll tell you then. I wanted to wait until we figured things a bit more, but I guess waiting to say things has gotten us nowhere," he shrugs, but he's not relaxed. He's tense, holding Soonyoung's hand tightly.

"I kissed him. When I figured it out." That's when Soonyoung's jaw drops in real shock. "We were both a bit drunk that night, and after the fight and in a split second of thinking, I thought that it might help to see what he felt for me and figure out if what I felt for you could go away. Actually, this is what I thought after, then I didn't think much, I just wanted something different, to see if it works. Nothing rational in there," he chuckles, but it's dry and nothing's funny. "We made out for a while, and then when I realized what I was doing to him, and to you too, and how I was feeling nothing right, I stopped it. But it was horrible and I felt so guilty, damn, I still feel so guilty about it, and I have to deal with that for a while. So that's that."

Soonyoung doesn't know what to say. Something in him tells him that he should feel betrayed, that his trust was betrayed, but he doesn't truly feel like that. They weren't together, and Soonyoung understands the confusion, how it could happen.

The silence drags on for too long, and Seokmin tries to pull his hand back when Soonyoung doesn't answer. Soonyoung won't have it.

"It's okay, hey, it's okay. I'm not mad," he whispers, leaning his head to the side to look into Seokmin's eyes where his eyes are pointed to their clasped hands. "I'm not."

"You're not?" Seokmin asks, disbelieving.

"We weren't really together and it was messed up and I get why you did it. Truly. I'm glad that you told me though." He nods his head and interlocks their fingers in his lap. "So what now? For you and him?"

"Well, we didn't talk after for a long time before we had to start packing up and moving apartments. But then we also had to rehearse together for the musical so I think we just put it aside and pretended it didn't happen. It's okay, it works, don't worry about it," he says, and it's clear how relieved he is Soonyoung is not mad. But it's also then that it hits him how they still have so much to learn and work on.

Also, Soonyoung doesn't think it works, but it's not his business to say it. He will have to think about it for a while; maybe he doesn't feel betrayed, but it's something there, and he wants to figure it out before it can come back to hurt them.

* * *

Now that he doesn't have stable work, it seems like all he does is dance and think. He's so, so tired of thinking, but he guesses he has to make up for months of not doing it. However, it's not really all he does; Seokmin and he go on dates like before, and it finally feels like a real relationship.

So he can't blame himself when while watching a movie in the cinema that's honestly not too interesting and Seokmin's hand ends up on his thigh, he almost fucking loses it. It's not like he doesn't know what he's doing, his grip firm and purposely riling up Soonyoung, which he finds  _really_ interesting. Seokmin also picked seats at the back with nobody behind them or a few rows in front either as Soonyoung went to the bathroom, and coupled with the fact that he chose the movie, he knows he did it on purpose.

"You're crazy," he whispers in his ear, and Seokmin just chuckles, his signature grin on his face.

The thing is, Soonyoung is a bit crazy as well. So he looks around, sees the scene currently playing is in a dark place, as most of the movie was, says fuck it and draws Seokmin's chin to him to kiss him, deep and pointed. Seokmin's hand tightens on his thigh like on instinct, squeezing and moving up, and Soonyoung licks into his mouth, tangling his tongue with his. He's careful not to make too much noise if the theater is silent, and Seokmin gets the memo, kissing him as silently as he can as well, nothing more than subtle heavy breaths slipping out.

But then all of a sudden, Seokmin's hand is on his crotch, kneading his half hard-on, and he almost moans out loud in the theatre. He catches himself though, or more like Seokmin catches him, his tongue slipping inside Soonyoung's mouth. It feels _so good_ to have Seokmin's hands on him like this again, and this time, it seems like Seokmin doesn't want to stop either.

And while he's excited to explore this _interesting aspect_ of their interests that they both have, fuck, Soonyoung wants Seokmin so bad, wants to be able to moan and touch him properly and show him how bad he's missed him, and hear him in turn. And so he pulls away to whisper into Seokmin's ear.

"Take me home, please, Minnie," he almost moans, and Seokmin nods so excitedly Soonyoung bursts into silent laughter.

When he stands up, he realizes how turned on he actually is, how Seokmin managed to rile him up so quickly, so he thanks anyone up there for the oversight he had to wear a long shirt that he pulls out of his pants to cover himself. The walk is not dignified but honestly he couldn't care less, holding onto the back of Seokmin's shirt while they navigate the dark theatre and go out to the street. They stop on the curb, and Seokmin looks at him for a few seconds, not saying anything. Soonyoung looks back, bites his lip into his mouth and smiles, and the moment is so charged, the tension palpable. It feels like it's just the two of them even if the street is roaring with cars and there's too many people around, but in the darkness, he makes up Seokmin's features, his sharp eyes, the elegant curve of his nose, his lips, and takes the moment to realize how happy he is to have him back. He would kiss him, people damned at all, he has never felt the need to more, but it would ruin the moment so he doesn't. He just grabs his right wrist with his left hand, and lets the tension between them say all he has to say.

Seokmin moves his fingers and interlocks their fingers for a moment.

"Let's go?"

"Let's go."

* * *

When they get back though, through a taxi ride Soonyoung doesn't remember one second of, even after taking a shower they definitely make out a lot in, Seokmin looks hesitant, like there's something weighing on his mind. Soonyoung is so scared for a second, like it'll all go back to before, so he grabs Seokmin's hand, pulling him on the bed in his room.

"What's wrong?" he asks, tilting his head to search Seokmin's eyes when he's looking at the pattern in his bedding instead of at Soonyoung.

"Do you like it? What we do, or I guess used to do, or do you mind that I don't know much? Or want to do wilder things?" he says, all of a sudden, and Soonyoung purses his lips. He didn't know it weighed on Seokmin like that.

"There hasn't been one time where you haven't made me feel like I wasn't on cloud nine, and we've done wild things, just those we both like. We can talk about it, but we do match. You make me feel crazy every single time," he breathes out, so honest, because he has never felt anything like what he's felt with Seokmin, no matter how long it has been.

"So you don't... mind? That I'm not... taking control like in a harder way either?" He asks and pauses, his mouth open like he's trying to figure out what to say. Soonyoung waits. "I wanted to try it though, being rougher. To see how it is. Just once, before we get back to being us."

Soonyoung looks at him, a shocked smile playing on his face. "I've tried both sides, and I didn't really like it. You know I like it rough sometimes, and you do take control without demeaning me and while being gentle, that's perfect and harder to do than anything else. But if you want... we can try it anyway. I’d love to."

"How?"

"Go as hard as you want," he says, looking into Seokmin's eyes. "Just... let go with me. Spank me, choke me, call me whatever, don't hold back whatever you can think of, I’ll probably be okay with it. Just once, if you want it just once."

Seokmin's jaw drops a bit. "Are you sure? It won't be too much?"

"Oh god no," he says and kisses Seokmin, just a quick peck. "I've always kind of wanted to see you lose it, honestly,” he grins, but a shiver runs through him because he feels like Seokmin has so much he’s holding back on that he could do, and damn does he know he’ll be ruined if he tries to let go for once.

"Can we set a safeword though?" Seokmin asks, and Soonyoung nods.

"Let's just do the color system. Green is continue, yellow is slow down, and then red just means stop. We can say them whenever or we can just ask and then wait for the other to answer," he explains, because he's always found this the easiest to remember.

“Okay," Seokmin nods. "Is there... anything you don’t like though?”

Soonyoung thinks for a while because he knows that if he doesn’t give the right answer now and in the middle of it he has to call it off, so much of what they’ve rebuilt can be over.

“I just... I don’t like being tied up or held back from doing something. It’s okay if you hold me down, I love it even, I just don’t like not seeing stuff around me or really being restrained. So no blindfolds, rope, gags, handcuffs, stuff like that,” he says and tries not to remember anything that could ruin the mood. “I can do it to you though another time, if you want,” he grins, and Seokmin chuckles. Something else they can discuss later.

“And don’t... no blood or anything like that. Spank me, grab my waist hard enough to bruise if you want, but don’t go too far,” he says and takes his lip between his teeth. Seokmin shivers, like he couldn’t even imagine it.

“Oh no,” he says, somber, and Soonyoung knew he wouldn’t, but it still feels good to say it, to set limits, something he’s never really done before.

Seokmin's expression is hesitant, what follows too evasive and too difficult to grasp. Soonyoung has many things to say, how happy he is not doing anything new, just being with him how he is, but Seokmin wants it and he wants it too, and he can't constantly live with the fear of the unknown or of messing anything up.

So he goes for it. He tilts Seokmin's head to the side from where he's kneeling on the bed and Seokmin is sitting on the edge, and just kisses him, presses his lips against him so pointedly, and he's almost trembling with excitement.

It takes him by surprise when all of a sudden Seokmin turns, grabs his waist and straight up lifts him into his lap, Soonyoung melting into the hands firm on his waist. Seokmin kisses him like he's trying to own him, biting at his lip and settling his hand at the small of Soonyoung's back to arch him into his chest. Soonyoung goes, but he kisses Seokmin harshly in turn, to show he won't give up that easily.

Seokmin's hand travels up his back, pressing into his spine, at the nape of his neck, before he grabs a fistful of Soonyoung's hair and drags his head back harshly to kiss at his neck, dragging his teeth over his pulse point. Soonyoung won't admit it, but he whimpers at the feeling of his hair being pulled like that and his neck being played with, rolling his hips and squirming in Seokmin's lap. His hard-on never really went away, but now he feels himself straining against the zipper of his jeans, already desperate. Seokmin can get him from 0 to 100 in two seconds straight, and if he keeps biting at his neck like that, Soonyoung won't last long enough to even consider it a real fuck.

Except Seokmin doesn't let him, wraps his other hand around his waist and presses him into him so hard enough Soonyoung can't really move. Seokmin tongues at his collarbones, messes up his hair before grabbing at it again, and Soonyoung moans loudly at the feeling, already feeling so needy for his touches.

It's then that he actually realizes something and freezes. "Wait, wait," he whispers quickly, and Seokmin freezes as well with his lips on Soonyoung's neck.

"What's wrong?" he asks, startled.

"Jihoon," Soonyoung says. "Let me grab my phone."

Seokmin lets go enough for Soonyoung to extend behind him and grab his phone from the other side of the bed while not falling on his face, and he does, quickly unlocking it. When he settles back into Seokmin's lap though, his hand sneaks in the gap between the small of his back and his pants, teasing at the waistband of his underwear. Soonyoung gets the message and opens his texts, quickly picking up Jihoon's name. _'Earplugs, headphones. Seriously'_  he texts, giving him a ring or two for good measure, and hoping that he's lucky enough and Jihoon's actually not at home.

"Done?" Seokmin asks him and Soonyoung nods, his eyes back on him. Seokmin plucks the phone from his hands and extends to throw it a few inches to the nightstand, putting Soonyoung's hands around his neck and kissing him again. He's a bit hesitant in his touches, like he doesn't know if he's doing things right but still assertive, so Soonyoung can only encourage him by tangling his fingers in his hair, giving as good as he's getting, because damn, he's already going crazy and Seokmin's barely touched him.

Seokmin's hands wriggle inside the back of his pants, grabbing him over his underwear and arching him further into him, and the feeling of his big hands grabbing at Soonyoung and digging into his ass makes him moan in his mouth. Seokmin is really taking this seriously, he realizes, being assertive with something Soonyoung might want, and just the knowledge of that gets him going. His hands reach for the bottom of Seokmin's shirt, pulling it off and reattaching his lips back on his in a second. His hands wander, over Seokmin's chest and his stomach, over his waist, reacquainting himself with the feeling and pulling away to look at him. His eyes wander as well, tracing the path of his hands while Seokmin is silent, letting him do whatever, only the sound of their breathing audible in the room.

It's when he looks up and they make eye contact that Seokmin moves to grab his wrists, putting them behind Soonyoung's back and holding them in place with one hand, while the other travels up his side and wraps around Soonyoung's neck, just there.

"This okay?" Seokmin whispers, his voice a bit raspy, and fuck, what did Soonyoung get himself into.

"Yes," he whispers in turn, trying to keep himself level so he doesn't give in too easy, but his heavy breathing must be an indicator of how much he's enjoying the current predicament. Seokmin kisses him again, pressing a little bit on his neck, and Soonyoung can't help but whimper. He will never get tired of Seokmin's hands on him, just Seokmin kissing him, but this is already so much, so overwhelming. He can feel how Seokmin is pacing himself as well and he wonders why he’s not being rougher; he doesn't kiss him hard or fast, doesn't press on him too strongly, but then he realises that wouldn’t really be control. Control is simply in him knowing that even if Soonyoung can do whatever and he's fully into it, he won't, because Seokmin is calling the shots. He doesn't need to assert himself, is content with being patient, and _that_ more than being rough is what gets to Soonyoung and makes him shiver in his lap.

It's obvious, probably, Seokmin tightening his hold a little bit, and when he lets go, Soonyoung feels it, a ghost of a touch, and his breathing quickens. Seokmin doesn't hesitate for one more moment to grab his jeans and his underwear all at once, pulling them down to his thighs, enough for him to be able to grab his ass in a strong grip that would definitely leave marks in a while. Soonyoung almost jumps because he didn't expect it, and then Seokmin takes his shirt off in one fluid motion, leaving Soonyoung so open and exposed he shivers again.

"You're so beautiful hyung," Seokmin says, reverent almost, a bit of the control mask broken, and Soonyoung has not worked out in a while and the previous stress made him gain weight and even if these concerns were always in his mind, he struggles to believe it. But then Seokmin hugs him with one hand, presses them together again, and all concerns disappears at the feeling of him. His long fingers trace Soonyoung's jaw and his thumb pulls on Soonyoung's bottom lip, dragging it down while his eyes are fixed on it. Even if he could help it, Soonyoung doesn't think he really wants to, so he draws his tongue out and takes Seokmin's thumb between his lips, in his mouth, drags his teeth harshly over it. Seokmin takes a sharp breath, and instead, brings his index and middle fingers to Soonyoung's mouth. He doesn't hesitate for one second to take them in his mouth, swirling his tongue around them, and it feels so dirty how they're looking at each other like that while he's doing it, unhesitant to lose all inhibitions. He's lost them a long time ago with Seokmin actually, so he doesn't mind showing everything he wants to him.

He doesn't hesitate to moan as loud as he wants to when Seokmin takes them out of his mouth and teases his hole with them, slipping one inside. It's so unexpected he can't help the sounds that come out of his mouth, Seokmin's other hand grabbing his neck again. He can only imagine how he looks, jeans barely under his ass, grinding on Seokmin's fingers, his head arched back and eyes closed for Seokmin to be able to grab him properly. It feels amazing, the slight tinge of pain keeping his nerves on fire and turning him on so bad it almost hurts.

He didn't think he would, he promised himself he'd hold back, but he's already feeling so into it he doesn't realize when the 'please, more' slips from his lips. Seokmin untangles himself from him and grabs his hips, turning quickly to drop him on the bed, Soonyoung bouncing a little bit. He quickly takes his own clothes off while Seokmin works on his jeans, fully naked in the center of the bed, waiting for him. Seokmin doesn't take his eyes off of him for a second, and when he crawls on the bed to Soonyoung, he looks so amazed Soonyoung feels a little bit of the mask break again. But it doesn't matter when Seokmin grabs his hip and tells him to turn around, dragging him so he's on his hands and knees. He has no idea what Seokmin will do, the few seconds of anticipation killing him; he feels so exposed, maybe a bit helpless, and yet he doesn't care, he trusts him so much he almost moans without Seokmin even touching him.

He hears it before he feels it, the stinging slap on his asscheek making him jolt up the bed and sending a spark of pleasure through him so unexpected he whimpers long and loud. Seokmin rubs his hand and squeezes him over where he spanked him so hard it feels red, and drapes himself over his back.

"One," Seokmin whispers in his ear, and Soonyoung feels his knees give out. This is how he goes.

A few seconds of nothing, and then Seokmin spanks his other cheek so hard he jolts again, crying out in surprise. He's not here to play, _fuck,_ Soonyoung feels like he's going to be ruined from all that Seokmin has in store for him tonight.

"Seokmin, fuck, fuck," he whispers, because he really didn't expect that, and right as he finishes his sentence, he feels Seokmin's warmth leave his back. His hands spread him apart, he feels that, but all of a sudden his tongue is on him, and Soonyoung _cannot._

"Oh my god, Minnie," he whispers, half in surprise, half because it _feels so good_ , he's so sensitive when being eaten out it takes barely a few seconds to feel wrecked. Seokmin is relentless, licking over his hole before he slides two fingers inside him again and bites at his left cheek instead, so hard it must leave a mark.

Soonyoung doesn't even try to control the noises that leave his mouth from every touch of Seokmin's mouth on him. It feels like heaven, he loves it so much, can't help but clutch at the sheets when Seokmin scissors his fingers inside him and puts his tongue in beside them.

He's so good at it it should be illegal, so talented with his mouth and fingers Soonyoung's a moaning mess in minutes. He doesn't hesitate to take his fingers out and spread Soonyoung again to put his tongue inside him so deep Soonyoung sees stars, and he feels his elbows give out, his chest falling on the bed.

"Oh god, please, please," he hears himself say, already so gone it feels like an out-of-body experience. When Seokmin slides two of his fingers in again and nails his prostate right away a few times, he can't hold back, and the orgasm hits him so suddenly it's like whiplash, writhing in Seokmin's hold while waves of pleasure wash through him. Seokmin won't let him get away though, continues to eat him out while he's coming literally untouched, and it _hurts so_ good that even if he feels like he needs to get away, he never wants it to stop.

A few endless moments after, he does stop though, and Soonyoung breathes properly for the first time in a while. He quickly turns around, dropping down on his back, and Seokmin crawls up over him.

"I don't know if it's because we haven't had sex in so long, because I love being eaten out, or you're just crazy talented, but I don't think I've ever come quicker before," he admits in between pants and heavy breaths, and Seokmin chuckles. He's not done though, and Soonyoung is not either, fuck, but then Seokmin's hand is suddenly palming his sensitive cock, and he jolts because he's  _definitely_ not ready.

"Minnie," he whines, but Seokmin ignores him and wraps his fingers around him fully; Soonyoung hasn't gone soft so he feels it down to his bones, twitching from the feeling.

"Can I kiss you? You can say no if you want," Seokmin says quickly, and who does he think Soonyoung is?

He nods quickly, and Seokmin kisses him from the side, the angle making Soonyoung arch his neck to him. Seokmin quickly moves between his thighs, fluid and smooth, and Soonyoung spreads his legs to accommodate him.

"Hands above your head," he says, firm, and Soonyoung doesn't think it's worth acting up he does it, crossing his wrists over his head. He won't lie and say the tone doesn't make him shiver a little bit, and this, coupled with how Seokmin reaches down to tug on his nipple with his teeth while rubbing his sensitive cock is a dangerous combination. If he's looking to drive Soonyoung crazy, he's managing, and he can barely hold himself from writhing around in pleasure.

He's so hard it hurts, and the overstimulation is wringing him up in a weird way, something between pleasure and the pain of too much. Seokmin is slow, so slow though that he knows he won't get to come anytime soon, will have to deal with the strong jolts of pleasure through his body that are making him pull away and fuck up in Seokmin's hold at the same time, conflicted.

"Fuck me," he whines because he really wants Seokmin inside him like yesterday, and Seokmin pulls away from sucking marks on his chest to look at him.

"What?" he asks like he didn't hear, and it's clear he wants to tease Soonyoung.

"Fuck me, god," he says, frustrated, arching his back and letting out a moan at how Seokmin squeezes under the head of his cock, tightening his grip.

"Didn't hear," he teases, and fuck, is Soonyoung frustrated. He doesn't want to beg though, so he won't.

"God damn Seokmin," he says, and Seokmin _knows_ he won't beg, and looks ready to give in himself.

Except he doesn't, just squeezes his hand around Soonyoung and rubs him off faster, and _damn_ does Soonyoung feel that, letting out a long moan and arching his back off of the bed. It feels so good, Seokmin pulling all his tricks on him and he's getting so close, when suddenly he stops and Soonyoung can't help but whine in protest when the knot in his stomach slowly goes away. When he's relaxed enough, Seokmin does it again, and it's clear he's trying to edge him to give him. Soonyoung doesn't want to admit it's working.

He tries to resist it, to have Seokmin give in first, but then Seokmin literally brings him right there, tightens him up and lets go at the last possible moment, and Soonyoung really cannot with him at this moment.

"Please, please, oh god," he bursts, eyes closed in pleasure, tears forming behind them. "Please fuck me already," he says, voice breaking, and Seokmin kisses him and moves away. Soonyoung opens his eyes to tell him where the lube is, but Seokmin hasn't forgotten. A few seconds and he's back, Soonyoung's hands grabbing eagerly at him and tangling in his hair as they make out. Seokmin is slow, unhurried, but Soonyoung wants to show him how much he needs him.

Seokmin slides two fingers inside him almost without warning, and the coldness of the lube makes him hiss and grind his teeth, smiling in pleasure because Seokmin hasn't forgotten. He's clearly taking his time but he's nor sparing Soonyoung, his fingers pushing deep inside him. Soonyoung's pleasure skyrockets when Seokmin finds his prostate and rubs his fingers against it, adding a third quick enough. He's toying with him, alternating between sharp thrusts and long, drawn-out movements that keep him on the edge. When he brushes his fingers over Soonyoung's cock, just a barely there touch, his whole body twitches and he's so ready, whispering that to Seokmin. Seokmin doesn't stop though, tugging on his cock and hitting his prostate so well Soonyoung cries out in pleasure, wriggling on the bed and grabbing the sheets for some semblance of stability.

When he's almost there again, almost ready to finally come, Seokmin must feel it because he drags his fingers out and leaves Soonyoung hanging again. It's there and then that Soonyoung legitimately wants to curse at him because he's so wound up and so sensitive he absolutely _needs_ to come.

However, he doesn't, because that would mean implying that he doesn't like it, and even if tears are forming in his eyes and his body is arched tight, he likes what Seokmin is doing to him.

Taking a look at Seokmin who's paused to look at him, he tries to clear the haze in his mind. Seokmin's gaze tells him how he's barely holding himself together, and the fact that he isn't talking that much is a testament to how difficult it is for him to keep that control. Soonyoung knew that and he didn't expect him to be able to because he's not like that, but if Seokmin needs to do it, he doesn't mind, and he won't say anything. His eyes turn away before Seokmin notices he's analyzing him, and after he's wiped his hand on the sheets, he grabs Soonyoung's hip in one hand and pushes at him.

"Turn around," he asks, and Soonyoung obliges, quickly dropping down on his stomach, letting out a gasp at how his sensitive cock is rubbing against the sheets.

Soonyoung grabs a pillow that he knows he'll need, and lets Seokmin drag his hips back until he's kneeling with his chest on the bed. He feels so exposed again, so spread out, but it's Seokmin, so he can admit to himself that he _loves it._

"I'm gonna fuck you now, okay?" Seokmin whispers in his ear, and Soonyoung nods so quickly he almost gets whiplash.

"Please," he begs, and whines at how Seokmin grinds against him before he _finally_ slides inside him, and he almost sighs at how it feels so right.

Seokmin waits for him to adjust, rubs his hand at his lower back and drags it up over his spine and over his nape, brushing it through his hair. He waits so long Soonyoung wonders how he can, and fucks himself back on his cock instead, trying to get him to move. His body feels so tight and so strung up it won't take him long to come at all if Seokmin actually fucks him, so the desperation and the feeling makes him move faster.

But then Seokmin's hands tighten on his hips and keep him in place. "No, baby," he whispers and Soonyoung almost curses at him again because he was getting there, whining in protest instead and trying to move.

Seokmin won't have it though, and Soonyoung feels the sharp sting on his ass this time before he registers the fact that Seokmin spanked him again, rubbing his ass and moving it slightly up and down his cock. He can't hold back the loud cries that come out when Seokmin does it again and again, and he's not messing around, slapping his hand down so quickly it really fucking hurts. _He loves it._

Seokmin starts fucking him in earnest then, grabbing two handfuls of his sensitive cheeks and drawing him back against him, the sounds of skin slapping against skin loud in the dark room.

"Hyung, I wish you could see how good you look right now," Seokmin whispers, his voice raspy and dark, unlike it always is, and he bites the pillow so he doesn't moan too loud at how that makes him feel. "You're so open and spread out for me, taking me so well, fuck, I missed this," he says, and hearing him curse makes Soonyoung's cock twitch and precome leak out.

"I've missed feeling you, having you under me like this, being inside you, you have no idea," he says, and his voice almost breaks from the honesty and how real it is, which makes Soonyoung almost whine as well, the overload of his words and him inside him, his hands on his body giving him a kind of pleasure he's never really felt before.

He's so desperate, wants to feel Seokmin so bad he raises himself up on his elbows, and Seokmin knows, pulling him back by his hips until his back is pressed to Seokmin's chest and he's leaning back against him in his lap. It gets Seokmin so deep inside he rubs his prostate without even trying, and his arms hugging Soonyoung close, one hand on his cock make tears fall because he's feeling so overwhelmed. Seokmin doesn't stop fucking him slow and deep, whispering in his ear how gorgeous he is and how thankful he is to be with him again.

The warmth in his stomach builds up so strong he knows he won't be able to stop himself from coming, and he leans his head back to kiss Seokmin, open-mouthed and gasping. The hand that's not stroking Soonyoung pulls his hair harshly to keep him in place while Seokmin licks deeply into his mouth, owning him.

His body tightens up right before he comes, and he knows he's trembling, feels himself shake as the pleasure spreads through his body and he _finally lets go_ , what feels like months of tension slipping away under Seokmin's hands, his body. His legs are still trembling and he comes so hard it feels like it doesn't end for hours.

The thrusts have paused, and he thinks Seokmin will have mercy on him for once, sighing in relief and contentment at how he's grinding inside him. Right as he thinks that, Seokmin almost pulls out and then thrusts inside him so hard he jolts up the bed.

"Oh my god oh my god," he screams out, eyes drawing back in his head at the painful sensation. He's come twice already the pleasure is starting to border on real pain, and by how hard he's gripping at Seokmin's thighs, he must notice.

"Color?" he asks quickly, and Soonyoung has to legitimately try to gather himself to think about it. It is so much but for some reason, he doesn't feel like the kind of pain he can't take, so his answer is firm.

"Green, green, god," he rasps out, and Seokmin continues, fucking into him with strong thrusts. His cock hardens again quickly, even through the pain, even through the overstimulation, and he is almost amazed at how much his body can take.

He whines when Seokmin pulls out, but then quickly after, he finds himself on his back, and before he can protest, Seokmin is inside him again, Soonyoung's legs hooked up over his elbows, and he hits his prostate again on the second try.

The pleasure makes him too gone to think so he just takes it, grabbing onto Seokmin's shoulders and probably leaving marks by how hard he grabs it with his fingers. Seokmin moans as well and Soonyoung forces himself to look at him because he doesn't want to miss anything from him.

"Can I come inside you?" he asks and Soonyoung nods quickly because _yes_ , running his hand as well through Seokmin's hair, as much as he can. It takes him a couple more thrusts before he buries himself deep into Soonyoung and comes, the feeling so familiar and so good it makes Soonyoung moan as well. He's so close again he gets a hand on himself to come but Seokmin takes it away, jerking him off himself while he's still weakly fucking inside Soonyoung. Two rubs to the underside of his cock and he's gone for the third time that night, barely coming at all, and feeling a wave of contentment and exhaustion so strong he collapses on the bed and vows to not get up for another year.

When Seokmin pulls out he winces, so sensitive still every single touch feels like a spark. The contentment leaves him too lazy to do anything, even as he feels Seokmin's come leak out of him;  there really is no reason to pretend he doesn't like it.

Seokmin drops down next to him, an action so familiar Soonyoung can't help but smile.

"Did that feel different to you?" he asks, because he has no filter and no sense of stopping now. "Because it didn't to me... I think... you were still rough while still being gentle and that was fucking incredible."

"Yeah... I guess I can't really do demeaning or anything like that. I did let go but maybe there's not too much I can let go of," he says and grins.

Soonyoung realizes then that with Seokmin, he really gets to understand what he likes too, and not just what he should when being adventurous, and so the things he considered mild have become the things that turn him on the most.

"I loved it so much though oh my god, you are incredible," he says and laughs, legitimately laughs, because he _feels_  incredible, and he can't help but cuddle into Seokmin.

"Are you okay? Wasn't it too much?" Seokmin asks, genuinely concerned though even though he's chuckling too.

"I'm fantastic, hell yes. You?"

"I loved it too, you were so amazing and I felt so good. I don't think I can do too rough or anything like that, maybe that's the lesson, but I think I want to try more stuff. With you."

"Okay," Soonyoung says, because he feels the same. That maybe they can just try things that they both might like and not label it as anything. "But now, I want to clean up and then sleep for a century because you fucked the soul out of my body, and we can talk tomorrow."

Seokmin humphs in agreement, burying his head in Soonyoung's hair.

"Let's."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ._.


	6. you are my world itself, i

As expected, he wakes up first. One of them had turned off the alarm because a quick glance at his phone tells him it's 10:28 AM and they were supposed to be up one and a half hours ago.

Soonyoung is sleeping so soundly that he can't bear to wake him up though, and turns on his side instead, resting his head on his palm. Soonyoung's curtains are thick enough to block out all the sun, and so, he struggles to distinguish his features. Instinctively, his fingers reach to draw the patterns of his brows and run through the hair at his temples.

Soonyoung stirs a little, grinds his teeth and purses his lips, drawing a smile from Seokmin. He doesn't wake up though, so Seokmin presses his lips to his temple, to his cheek, whispering in his ear that it's time to get up.

“What’s the time,” he groggily whispers, and Seokmin answers that it’s 10:30. He expects Soonyoung to shoot up, rush to the bathroom because they have plans for today that were supposed to start a while before, but Soonyoung doesn’t. He yawns and turns on his side, throwing a hand around Seokmin’s waist.

“Do you not wanna get up? Aren’t we going to Busan?”

“It’s a vacation. I don’t care. 5 more minutes,” he mutters, Seokmin more guessing what he’s saying than hearing it. He chuckles and obliges him, tucking him in to his chest and resting his chin on Soonyoung’s head where it’s buried in the space between his neck and his shoulder.

He doesn’t think he’s ever mentioned it to Soonyoung, but he’s long established this as his favorite way to start the day. The lazy way Soonyoung will slur his words in the morning, how he’s so clingy when he wants a few more minutes in bed, and just feeling his presence and hugging him close will always be enough to power him through all the stress and the struggles of the day. It’s not a secret he loves cuddling, but slow mornings will always be his favorites.

So he lets five minutes pass, running his hand through Soonyoung’s hair like he knows calms him down. When he thinks they have passed, he brushes his fingers over Soonyoung's nape and kisses his forehead.

"Baby, we should get up."

"Mmm," Soonyoung yawns and slowly rolls away, stretching his arms above his head and running through the weird stretches he always does in the morning while Seokmin watches patiently, chuckling at him.

Soonyoung fixes him with a hooded stare, like he's saying 'how dare you', but a smile is also playing on his lips. Seokmin expected him to be grumpy cause he was woken up and he can be a bit like a spoiled cat when he is, but he seems happy, playful.

So Seokmin doesn't hesitate to grab his wrist and pull him towards him, Soonyoung falling into his lap like he planned it. His hands wrap around Soonyoung's neck and when he kisses him, he's smiling, so their teeth clack more than their lips touch. Soonyoung chuckles too, takes Seokmin's bottom lip between his teeth and Seokmin forgets about the time.

* * *

Needless to say, they're late. By the time they decide to leave the house it's past noon, but they don't even care. They have a whole long weekend to spend in Busan since he took Friday off, and since it is a break, schedules don't matter.

They've always talked about doing a road trip together, ever since last year, and Seokmin is so happy he can barely contain his excitement. He has control of the aux cord and the best collection of music to play so loud and sing along to, and Seokmin is genuinely impressed by how Soonyoung can belt out most of the notes at the top of his lungs, adding ad-libs and aegyo when he wants to, and still keep perfectly attentive to the road. He's always had kind of a thing for people who can drive, some sort of butterflies in his stomach and a tugging at his heart, and when Soonyoung moves his hand from the gearstick and intertwines his fingers with Seokmin's left hand on his thigh, his heart kind of loses it.

* * *

When Soonyoung's stomach grumbles for the third time in two minutes, Seokmin half-tells, half-orders him to get off the road at the nearest rest stop, which happens to have a fast-food restaurant. It's great, since Seokmin has been craving junk food since forever, and today, he feels like he can say fuck it and eat it.

Soonyoung _very willingly_ goes along, and Seokmin can feel the taste of fries in his mouth, ordering way too much food that they probably won't eat.

But they sure do try, eating and chatting over the copious amounts of food. Seokmin notices Soonyoung's smiles turn into smirks, and his eyes look around, and right when he wants to ask what's wrong, Soonyoung looks him dead in the eyes.

"Don't you need to use the bathroom?"

"No?"

"Oh great, I do too," he says, getting up from the table and motioning for Seokmin to follow. _Oh my god,_ he thinks but follows him because what can he really do when Soonyoung looks at him like that?

Soonyoung walks to the bathroom, a hand on his stomach, as Seokmin sees, and quickly enters one of the accessible bathrooms since they are single-stall.

"Did you plan this?" he asks quickly as Soonyoung locks the door behind them.

"Nope, just saw it earlier when I came to the bathroom," he says quickly and pushes Seokmin on the wall of the large bathroom, biting his lip and looking up at him.

"You're seriously insane," he whispers, but who is he to talk, gripping Soonyoung's hair while he quickly undoes his pants and drops to his knees.

The first touch of Soonyoung's tongue on his hardening cock makes him jump and Soonyoung chuckles, fixing his eyes on Seokmin and taking him as deep as he can. It should be illegal for Soonyoung to be able to pull stuff like that while Seokmin cannot make any noise, so he bites his knuckle and prays that no one will be listening.

Soonyoung doesn't spare him one bit, deepthroating him and sucking him off sloppily and quickly. It's been too long for Soonyoung not to know how he likes it, so he's not surprised, but he doesn't think he will ever get used to it. Soonyoung's perfect lips stretching around him, his teary eyes staring up, how his hands grip his shirt, how his silky hair feels between Seokmin's fingers, it all drives him crazy.

"Fuck, _baby._ "

Soonyoung hums at the name, the vibrations shooting through Seokmin and settling at the pit of his stomach. He's so close he can feel himself bordering on a really powerful orgasm, and Soonyoung looks so focused taking his cock he almost loses it seeing the bulge in his cheeks, trying so hard to not make any noise beyond heavy breaths.

But then two knocks on the door ring loudly and Seokmin freezes, Soonyoung pulling away to look up at him with wide eyes and a shocked smile, like he didn't expect this exact thing to happen.

"Are you alright?"

Soonyoung looks sheepish for a second, grinning up at him and Seokmin thinks he'll stop, thinks about how he'll have to go out with a raging hard-on, but then he doesn't, and instead stealthily takes him in his mouth again. It takes all that Seokmin has not to cry out right then.

"Yes, we are alright," he manages to say, schooling his voice to seem composed. "My friend was carsick and the food didn't help, we wanted to be here in case he felt sick. We'll be out soon, we're sorry," he says, biting his knuckle in his mouth after to not make any noise when his cock reaches the back of Soonyoung's throat and he swallows around him.

"Oh, we understand. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help," the employee says, and Seokmin is so out of it he nods instead of answering.

"Thank you," Soonyoung pulls off to say, and his voice sounds hoarse, wrecked. Seokmin wants to strangle him right then because he doesn't need a lawsuit for public indecency, and Soonyoung is making it _really easy._

It doesn't turn him off though, and that's the worst thing. When the footsteps fade away and he can come back from the shock, he realizes he's right there, so close that his orgasm takes him by surprise, coming down Soonyoung's throat while he swallows diligently around him, licking the corner of his lips for anything that escaped him.

He's legitimately surprised at how intense it feels, his hips jutting even after he's come and Soonyoung won't pull off. His hand tugs at Soonyoung's hair for some sort of balance and to get him off while his jaw drops down at him. Soonyoung looks like he's so happy with what he's done, a self-satisfied grin on his face still there when he comes up to kiss Seokmin, and he lets him.

Two seconds after, he switches their places carefully, dropping down to his knees to quickly return the favor so they can go. No effort is spared on his part, quickly relaxing his throat even though his gag reflex comes up, bearing it for the sake of making Soonyoung come quickly. He pulls off all the tricks he knows make Soonyoung go crazy, from how he likes Seokmin's tongue dipping into his slit or rubbing at the underside of his head, and then slowly taking him in. It works so quickly, Soonyoung's hand tightening in his hair and his thighs contracting, his clear tells barely a minute after Seokmin gets to work on him, and he takes it all when Soonyoung comes in his mouth, dipping his tongue to lick off the come that ends up on his lips. It's kind of nasty, yet also kind of hot in such a strange way that he's still taken aback, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand while he gets up. He quickly buttons their pants again and tugs Soonyoung to wash their hands.

Soonyoung turns to him wordlessly asking for another kiss, and Seokmin obliges, grabbing his face with both of his hands.

"I am so done with you."

Soonyoung just grins, that large, happy smile Seokmin can never resist, and Soonyoung pulls some aegyo at him when they exit the bathroom, quickly schooling his face after to pretend to be sick.

"We're sorry about that," Soonyoung says to the staff, his act incredibly believable. He's not surprised. "We'll be going now, I think air might be better for me. Thank you very much, the food was delicious though," he says, the definition of apologetic and so convincing the employee sends him away with a caring expression.

They wait until they're around the corner, heading to their car in the parking lot, before Seokmin bursts into laughter he barely contained. Soonyoung joins him and in the parking lot empty of people, takes his hand and skips to the car, so obviously happy it's infectious.

God, Seokmin is reminded at that moment of how much he loves him, and how he'd do anything, even have sex in the bathroom of a damn fast food at a rest stop on the highway, to make him smile like that. He's so whipped, and so happy.

* * *

It starts raining when they are in Busan. One minute it's sunny, and then they exit the fish market restaurant they had dinner at and it's pouring, the skies dark. A glance at their phone tells them it won't change soon, so their plans to sightsee in the evening are practically ruined.

Seokmin sighs because he was really looking forward to walking around with Soonyoung, but Soonyoung grabs his wrist instead and turns his eyes on him.

"Hey, it's fine. We can just stay in tonight."

"You won't mind?"

"Kidding me? Of course not. I don't care as long as I'm with you." Seokmin sticks his tongue out at the cheesiness, but he's sure the smile on his face betrays him.

They dash to the car, and then Soonyoung can't find his keys, and then the door won't open because he's tried to open it before it was unlocked, so all in all, when they get in, they're so drenched they're dripping on the seats, laughing at the poor attempt they've made to stay dry. The rain pitpatters on the windshield, Soonyoung puts the keys in, and then pauses.

Seokmin wants to ask what's wrong, but then Soonyoung puts his right hand palm up on his thigh. Seokmin takes it and slides his fingers in between his, so natural and so easy. Soonyoung brings their joined hands to his lips, looking at Seokmin, and he honest to god almost tears up.

A chant of _I love you I love I love you_ runs through his head, and he bites his lip to not say it because he promised himself he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. It's hard when it doesn't feel like a mistake though.

* * *

When they get back to the room they rented for the weekend, somewhere really nice next to the beach on the outskirts of the city, they spare no time in taking their wet clothes off and spreading them over the room to dry. It's so hot and so humid Soonyoung declares he's not putting clothes on and drops down on the bed like a starfish only in his boxers. Seokmin laughs at him, but he's right, so he does the same, grabbing his laptop from his backpack to join Soonyoung on the bed.

They spend hours watching Black Mirror because Soonyoung wants to watch it but he won't watch it alone, and Seokmin obliges, even if he doesn't particularly like scary stuff. It catches him though, and before they realize it, it's getting dark, they've gone through 3 episodes and all the snacks and the drinks they bought, and Soonyoung closes the laptop after they have literally been gaping at the ending of an episode for minutes.

"I'm done."

Seokmin nods dumbly because _holy hell,_ his brain cells have been fried. They've been rooting for a character that was a criminal the whole time, and the shock just leaves them speechless.

"Do you ever... think about the future?" Soonyoung asks when he's back in bed and laying on Seokmin's chest, Seokmin's fingers playing through his hair.

"What kind of a question is that? Of course I do." Seokmin chuckles, catching on a tangle in Soonyoung's hair he sorts out.

"Not like what am I going to do in the next few days, but like... later. I try to and then I realize that I don't know anything, and everything can change so quickly. Like... we assume that the life we're living now will be the same in five, ten, fifteen years but what if it's not? What if in five years we're only going to have holograms who dance and nobody will want to see dancers anymore?" he asks, and it's obvious the episodes just messed him up.

"I don't want to tell you you're thinking too much about this, but like... Dancers and performers have been around for thousands of years, and no matter how much technology advances, people will still want to see real emotion and real people."

"You think?" he asks, peeking up at Seokmin and he nods, sure of himself. If it's something he's sure about, it's the power of arts to reach people. "What if like... I injure myself though."

"Then you recover."

"But what if I don't?"

"Then you find another area of dancing, or find another passion. You can't live your life thinking of what ifs."

"How are you so chill about all of this?"

"I'm not chill. I think about it too, but I refuse to let my life be led by questions. I don't like uncertainty. As long as I have something stable in life, maybe it's myself, maybe it's other people, maybe it's my values, I know I'll be fine."

"Am I... one of those people?"

Seokmin pauses.

"You want me to be honest?"

"Of course," Soonyoung says, but his voice betrays that he's nervous about asking that.

"I thought about it for a while, and I didn't think so. I was ready to give it up, to scream and curse at you and ignore you and let you go. But then I realized that I was overreacting and that I shouldn't let my feelings be led by quick reactions. So after I calmed down, I genuinely thought about that. If I wanted you in my life, no matter how. When the answer was yes, then I stuck with that. So yes."

Soonyoung pauses, taking a heavy breath.

"Is this why it was so easy for you to take me back?"

Seokmin hums. "I don't think about it like that. I don't think you were guilty and so I don't think I took you back. I just thought we messed up and it was both of our responsibility to fix it."

"But I messed up. And I hurt you."

"And you probably will again. And I will too." Seokmin says, trying for casual. "But that doesn't mean that we can't get over it. I think we're different people with different ways of thinking, and I don't want to think of it as bad." He pauses, taking out parts of Soonyoung's hair he tucked behind his ear before. "I know this is my first relationship, still, kind of, but if there's something I know now, it's that I don't want perfection. I'd rather you bring up even the smallest of things and I know now to do the same rather than think we're okay and then have it blow up later." Soonyoung nods from his place on his chest.

"I think the same. But still... I don't ever want to bring you down. Or make you feel bad, or anything of the sort."

"I know you won't do it on purpose. I trust you," he says with his whole chest, and that admission means so much for him. He does trust Soonyoung now.

"I trust you too." It's not 'I love you', but maybe it doesn't need to be yet.

"I..." Soonyoung starts after a pause, and then stops again. Seokmin waits patiently because he knows that's better with Soonyoung. "Can I bring something up then? It's not a big deal but... it's been on my mind."

"Sure," he says, but now he feels aware of the feeling of Soonyoung's silky strands through his fingers, of where he's resting his head and Soonyoung's hand is on his thigh.

"You and Seungkwan."

He knew this moment would come. The instinct of saying everything's okay and sweeping it under the rug rises up to the surface, but he buries it because that's his fuck-up. "I don't know what's wrong, I don't even think anything's wrong, it's just that... I know you told me everything's okay, but it's just on my mind and I don't know what to do and why."

Seokmin sighs and hums a noise of uncertainty because he doesn't know either.

"What were you thinking about?" he asks, because he needs to know where they stand on this.

"I was thinking that I should feel guilty, maybe. Because Seungkwan was right and I messed up and left and let you and them deal with everything."

"You were hurt too, so let's not start with that again, please," he pleads, because he hates that train of thought.

"Okay... I just... I was thinking if I should feel guilty. I don't believe in that thing with if you love someone you let them go, so I don't want to put those bullshit thoughts in my head and let something come between us when it shouldn't," he says, and he sounds so convinced that he squashes the trail of fear that rose up in Seokmin's gut. "It's just that... I don't like knowing that this affects your relationship with your best friend and with our friends too, because everyone knows you two are not doing that well anymore. So... I don't want to push you to do anything and I don't want to get involved but I do feel a little bit guilty that I had a hand in causing this."

There is a little bit of surprise in Seokmin because he never thought about that, how Soonyoung must have felt in all of this mess. Before he can say something, Soonyoung just starts up again.

"I just... I just feel like this relationship has not been ours since I came back, or maybe even before. Like every step we make affects someone or something else, and I'm tired of feeling that, and of hurting ourselves or others. I know I'm selfish because I messed up, but I just want you, without all the complications."

Seokmin sighs, because Soonyoung is not wrong. He feels the same, like he owes something to someone else as well because they helped him through those times, but now it just feels like it's their relationship too and he feels invaded.

"Do you think that if I fix this with Seungkwan you'll feel differently? Like it's just us again?"

"I don't know... maybe. I think when everyone will be able to not throw looks at us when we hang out then maybe it will be." Seokmin hugs in agreement.

"Seungkwan has Vernon now though. And I don't know how much you know, but they are pretty together and stable, I am sure, so I think this will all die soon and we can get our lives back together."

"Do you think?"

"I hope," he says, because he genuinely doesn't know. He's been confused for a while about how to change things so they don't end up affecting others, but if he's learned something, it's that going back to the past can't happen, and if things change once, they will never be the same. "I think it's time I talk to him."

"I think so too. I don't want to push you but..."

"No, you won't. I really should."

"Okay. I'm here for you whenever you need me, you know," he says, and turns his head a bit to look up at Seokmin. Soonyoung's fingers brush his jaw and his thumb lifts the corner of his mouth. Seokmin smiles in earnest because this is too cute for his soul, and Soonyoung looks happy in turn, caressing his cheek and puffing it up until Seokmin purses his lips cutely at him.

"Thank you. For coming here with me," Soonyoung says, soft and quiet. Seokmin wouldn't dream to be anywhere else.

"Thank you for taking me," he says, but those thank yous mean so much more. Thank you for bearing with me, for waiting to fix this, for being here, for waiting, for everything, and Seokmin says it with all his heart.

"I... actually wanted to ask your opinion on something," Soonyoung says, serious all of a sudden, and Seokmin hums to show he's listening. "I talked to Jimin and BTS about working at BigHit, and they told me that they are hiring right now. Like for the long term, but mostly for their new album and new tour stuff starting this fall. So I was thinking... why am I in college. Like I could pretty much reach higher than I could if I stay, and this is an opportunity I don't want to miss. So what if I... just quit?"

Seokmin's jaw drops a little bit because this feels like such a big statement, but he struggles to think more before he talks. Soonyoung gives him the time, but there's anxiety in his eyes, like he's looking for someone to help him with this. Seokmin really doesn't want to mess him up.

"Do you want me to be honest with you?"

"Mhm."

"I honestly don't think you should. I think... there are things that make more sense short term. Like you going on the tour. But then, you also have to think long term. If something happens, like you've said before, having a college degree is always so helpful, especially in this country. Or just having it in general is helpful, even if you're in arts. You've gone through two and a half years already, you have one and a half or so left, and you can just take fewer classes since you have so many credits already, and just work with BTS part-time."

"Why are you the voice of reason all the time?" Soonyoung sighs, but Seokmin shakes his head.

"I'm not. You are more than me. It's just what I think."

"You're right though... I think you're really right. It will be a lot though, doing both considering all my school stuff. Like a lot a lot."

"You also have the crew, right?"

"Yeah, also that..."

"Then let Junhui do it until the end of next semester then. This way, he gets experience doing the big show too, and then you can lead it for another full year and he can do his senior work too."

"You are brilliant," Soonyoung gasps at him, changing his position to look up. "You are so brilliant, thank you."

"I'm not," he whines, but Soonyoung shakes his head, not having it.

"Will you be okay with it though? Life will probably be crazy and I won't have much time for us."

"Whatever time you have, it's fine. I'll be busy too, but we don't need to always be with each other to support each other, right?"

"Okay... Are you going to finally direct for something?"

"If they take me, then yes. Still waiting for them to send the results."

"You're brilliant and a fantastic leader, so they'd be dumb not to," Soonyoung says and leans up to peck him on the lips.

"I'll let you know," he mumbles in between kisses, dragging Soonyoung on top of him.

"Please do," Soonyoung mumbles back and settles on his lap, Seokmin grabbing his hips. He loves it when Soonyoung's in his lap, when he has access to pull at his hair or kiss his neck or grab his hips to ground him down. It feels amazing when even though he's on top and can control the pace of things, Soonyoung mostly won't, and lets Seokmin lead him.

"Can we just... make out for a while? Nothing else? I just want to kiss you," Soonyoung says, a bit shy, like Seokmin could ever dream about saying no to that.

"Hell yes," Seokmin says, the curse slipping out, probably because he's with Soonyoung so much these days. He grips Soonyoung's waist, intentionally pressing into his hips with his thumbs and Soonyoung moans, placing his hands around his neck. He loves how sensitive he is even when they do nothing or they're kissing, how every well-placed touch can evoke the most amazing of reactions out of him. Seokmin will never get tired of looking for them, so it all works out well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter I wrote from Seokmin's perspective yayyy. I was kind of excited to delve into his personality because strangely I find it very difficult to write, for some reason, but this helped a lot. This is half of the part covering the trip that I will write from his perspective, so it will be longer! Also, I wanted them to have that long conversation because I genuinely thought it's time, and I'm very excited for you to read what will come in the next few chapters! Yay! Hope you enjoy it. <3
> 
> (Also let's talk about exhibitionism... seoksoon have the biggest kink when it comes to public stuff and no one can convince me otherwise. Let's be serious, they love being the center of attention like that most of the time so...)


	7. all of my wonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, everyone! Finals period was rough as hell, but here I am, again. I hope you enjoy the second chapter from Seokmin's perspective! I really enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> In other words, this is the second to last chapter of this part of the story. I aim to have the last one posted next week at the latest, because I actually wrote all of part 3, which will be short (but lol these boys have taken over my life) after writing the first chapter of part 1, and I found it one of my favorite chapters to write ever, and I'm excited to start thinking about a more mature part of life, and move my writing with it. (and I want to post it on Christmas Eve haha)
> 
> But no more spoilers! I hope you enjoy these final chapters because I think there are some significant changes I very much enjoyed writing. Let me know what you think! <3

"You should come meet my family," Soonyoung says the next morning while he's putting on his pants. It's like he forgot Seokmin actually met his parents, but before he can interject, Soonyoung continues. "Like my whole family. You haven't met any of my sisters, 'cause my younger sister was in Busan at my older sister's for most of this break and when we went last year."

"Oh, that's true." Soonyoung's told him so much about his sisters that he forgot he's never actually met them. "Will they be at home soon?"

"Yeah, my older sister's bringing my younger sister back before school starts. She doesn't need to, but there's like a very big fair in my village every first week of August so a lot of families gather. It's kind of like Chuseok, but smaller," he explains, obviously excited. Soonyoung's relationship with his older sister is difficult, but he cares so much about his family that he always is able to put that aside. Seokmin respects that in him so much. Except...

"Are you sure it's a good idea?" He asks carefully. "If you bring me to a family event, you really can't pass it off as friendship anymore."

"I thought about that," he says, sharply. "I don't think I want to anymore. I don't want to make a huge statement about it because I don't want it to blow up on my parents, but as long as it's not confirmed, I don't care enough to hide it anymore."

"Soonie..." he starts, careful. He knows how it feels to have all your family pretty much reject you after coming out, and while it's fine for him, it would destroy Soonyoung, who loves his family and his home so much. "What about your father? He'd probably confront you."

"I don't know."

"You know I'd never discourage you from doing it, and I believe in you being who you are. But you love your home and your family, are you ready to give that up?" He asks, sitting down on the floor next to where Soonyoung's on the bed. Soonyoung takes his hand and plays with his fingers, interlocking his own with Seokmin's.

"I have thought about it. Honestly, if I didn't have the experience of going on tour and that money and the connections, I would never dream to do it. But now that I know that I can pay for school and sustain myself for what's not covered by my scholarship, and I have a job, and friends, and you, and everything is stable and fun and I can be myself... going home is hell. It all feels like a lie, like I cannot breathe sometimes, and I can't stand that anymore." How could Seokmin tell him no? "So I am prepared, in a way. I know it'll hurt when it happens, so if you can stand me while I'm a bit down after, I'll do it."

"Of course I'll be here," he says, smiling encouragingly up at Soonyoung. "If you want, later, we can go see my family too, and I'll be sulky after so we can be even."

"I'd love to meet them!"

After all this time, Seokmin's never taken him to his home because he didn't want his parents to completely ignore the fact that he's bringing his boyfriend, but if Soonyoung's brave enough to deal with his family, he should be too.

"I'll call them," Soonyoung says, picking up his phone from the bed.

"Now?" Seokmin's eyes bulge at Soonyoung.

"Just to tell them I'll be bringing you. The house can get crowded, and I've brought you over so many times they won't say anything."

"Okay," Seokmin says, but he's not convinced. He'd hate for their weekend to be ruined by something like that.

"Hi, dad," Soonyoung says in the phone, and Seokmin finds himself biting his lips in nervousness. "Just wanted to let you know I'll be bringing Seokmin to the fair in two weeks, we were talking about it and he's never gone to one. Is that okay? Do we have enough space?" He nods, and looks peaceful. "Yeah, he can sleep in my room. You can put a mattress on the floor and I can take that, or I can bring one," he says, so natural, but Seokmin is not surprised by his acting skills anymore. What's a bit surprising how oblivious his father can be just because they're two guys, but he won't say anything. Before, they had to sneak around when he went there so they could sleep in the same room, so having that made easy? Seokmin won't dream about mentioning it.

"Okay, send me a list with what you need from Seoul. See you in two weeks, tell mom I'll call her soon. Bye," he ends the call and beams down at Seokmin. "We're good," he says, and gets up, dragging Seokmin up by their still joined hands.

"He said I should sleep in your room?" he grins, grabbing his phone from the bed so they can go.

"Yup. A lot of people are coming, so all guest rooms will be taken," he grins back, wiggling his eyebrows. His expression is so hilarious, so obviously overjoyed, that Seokmin almost falls to the floor laughing.

"Yay," he says, and Soonyoung beams at him in return.

"Let's go," he urges, and after taking a few minutes to locate Soonyoung's wallet, obviously lost, they're off.

* * *

They planned on going to the beach first and then having lunch, but they're characteristically late, so by the time they get to Haeundae, they're starving. Thankfully, all the street food stalls in Haeundae Market are open, so they take a long detour to try all the food choices they can't have in Seoul. They are many though, and after inhaling what feels like 10 rice cakes to finish it off, Seokmin announces he's going to throw up if he goes anywhere near the water.

So they decide to walk around the beach, looking at all the hotels, sights, and all the light sculptures. Soonyoung says they're coming back tonight to see them before going to a club, and Seokmin is so excited to party with him he almost trips while nodding enthusiastically. Soonyoung grabs him and sets him upright, and then proceeds to die laughing. Seokmin pouts, and all is right with the world.

Eventually, they decide to settle down, the afternoon sun much milder than before. They put all their stuff in a locker except a couple of books and their towels and blanket, Soonyoung secures the bracelet for the locker around his wrist, and they go to lay down on the sand. Soonyoung looks so excited, Seokmin can't stop smiling in turn.

They eventually go swim, and Soonyoung won't stop messing with him, throwing water at him, dragging him in, trying to jump on his back. Seokmin doesn't let him to put up a facade, but he's laughing so hard it's obvious he doesn't want him to stop. Soonyoung drags him under the water at some point, keeps him there and slinks up to him, grabbing his neck. Seokmin's eyes are closed, but even in the water, he can feel Soonyoung's lips on his. It's less than a second, it tastes like salt water and he barely feels it, but when he gets up and opens his eyes, Soonyoung looks smug. Seokmin lifts his eyebrows at him, and nobody seems to have noticed, but yet.

Lately, Soonyoung has been pushing the line. It took him giving up on his job and the realizations of the events of the last few months to change him. But he's bolder now, pushing limits in public, and now with his family, he seems to be revolting. He's been thinking about this for a long time, because no matter how out he is, or how extroverted and bubbly, he's still a private person, and he doesn't know how to feel about all these things Soonyoung's been doing.

Soonyoung can probably tell his mind's gone somewhere because he tugs on his hand soon enough.

"Wanna go back?" He nods his head towards the beach. Seokmin nods and they swim back, walking to their blankets and dropping down. Seokmin's always loved the feeling of the water drying on his body, and he relishes in it for a few seconds, just taking the time to look at Soonyoung. Soonyoung looks back.

"You alright?" Soonyoung asks, on his front and angling his neck to look at him. Seokmin turns on his side, propping his head upon his hand.

"Yeah. I just... wanted to ask you something," he starts, and hopes Soonyoung won't take him wrong. Soonyoung hums, waiting for the question. "When you kiss me in public, or grab my hand, or like... yesterday. Do you do it purposely? Or just because you feel like it?" He doesn't know what answer he's expecting. Soonyoung hums a little bit , looking like he's considering it.

"Most of the time because I feel like it. I would never like... actually kiss you or anything too much where people can see but like... sometimes I just want to hold your hand. And I do it. Does it bother you?" he asks, his expression turning surprised. "Oh my god... I never thought about that."

"No no, it's alright," he stops Soonyoung and smiles at him. "Does it not like... bother you that people might think we're a couple?"

"It did for a while. But then I was like, if we can get away with it, why not? Does it bother you?"

"I think... I've always found it invasive. I thought people should be kept away from my private life. I had to hide it," he says, and realizes quickly that what bothers him is the fact that he was made to think what he's doing is indecent. Because he's with a guy. The realization strikes him so hard it's like a slap across his face.

"You're not afraid?" Seokmin's voice wavers.

"I think about it a lot," he admits, turning serious too. He seems to be reading through Seokmin. "I know what you're saying... it's scary. This is scary. So if you don't want to push it, we don't have it. I don't mind it, and I would never put us at risk, I would never do anything that's not safe. But I'm willing to stand the glares and the questions and the judgement."

Seokmin needs more time to think about this. Way, way more time, and he tells Soonyoung that. He nods, smiling at him.

"Let's talk about this more later. Whenever you want."

"Okay. But don't stop. Doing it, I mean. We can talk more about coming out and stuff, but if it's not too much, don't stop. Or ask me and I probably won't say no."

"Okay," Soonyoung grins. "I'll ask."

After a while more laughing and chilling at the beach, and buying cards they play games with, they decide to head to dinner to a famous seafood stew place around. They eat so much they can barely walk back to the house, and the only thing that makes him not give in to the tentation of napping is the intense and fun conversation they have on the way back about ideas for music and choreography they want to play with in the future. Seokmin's heard some stuff from Mingyu and Minghao too, some crazy ideas they've had for collabs and people even mentioned doing gigs together, and he is so excited to think about the possibility of the work he can do with his friends.

They don't notice how much time has passed, and before they know, it's dark and they need to leave if they still want to go out. Seokmin shuns Soonyoung to get dressed, and for some reason, he goes to change in the bathroom, shushing Seokmin when his quizzical expression asks him why. He changes while he's gone into ripped light blue jeans and a patterned shirt that he kind of knows he looks good in, and does his hair in the bathroom mirror while he waits.

He gets his answer when he comes out of the bathroom wearing the most deadly pieces of clothing Seokmin's ever seen on him, probably except the first time they met. He's wearing black pants, he has a necklace on, and put on a black satin shirt with the top few buttons undone that Seokmin wants off of him right this instant.

He stands in front of a mirror, gaping like an idiot while Soonyoung walks to him, his eyebrows raised. Soonyoung takes the hairbrush from his hand, throws it on the bed and then slowly puts his arms around his neck.

"You want me to keep my hands off of you in public and then you wear this?" Soonyoung murmurs, low and seductive.

"Have you seen yourself?" He stutters.

Soonyoung staring up at him, biting his bottom lip in his mouth, the feeling of satin under his hands when Seokmin puts his hands on his waist; he doesn't know what he's done to deserve all this, but god is he thankful.

 _So thankful,_ especially when Soonyoung stands up on his tiptoes and kisses him deeply, slowly, like he's trying to leave a mark on him. He doesn't need to, because it's been long since Seokmin has had a part of himself that doesn't belong to Soonyoung anyway.

He can't help himself from touching, caressing his hands over Soonyoung's ass and bending down to reach his thighs, pulling on them. Soonyoung gets the message and jumps to wrap his legs around his waist, Seokmin backing him up into the wall behind him without breaking the kiss for a second. He wants him _so bad_ , wants nothing more than to ruin him in turn right now, break down the smugness he can taste in Soonyoung's kisses.

Except Soonyoung pulls away, licking his lips. "Nope."

"What?"

"Nope, we're going out," he affirms, decisive. He slaps Seokmin's bicep. "Put me down."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope. Later. Now quick, get ready."

Seokmin gapes at him like an idiot, but Soonyoung's grin only grows larger. There's nothing he can do but get ready, but he's so getting his revenge later on. Oh, Soonyoung is _on._

* * *

There's pretty much only one LGBT-friendly club that they can actually dance at in the entirety of Busan, which is about one more than they expected. So all in all, it's a good discovery, since they've never gone to one, and figured that going to one together, with just each other, might be fun.

He is, for some reason, ridiculously nervous when they walk in, but when they do, it's so dark in the beginning that Seokmin's anxiety kind of goes away. Soonyoung's grip on his hand is tight and his palm is sweaty, giving away his nerves as well. It's dumb, that's what it is, and so while they navigate the mass of people to the bar, he leans into Soonyoung and and whispers in his ear.

"Let's have fun."

Soonyoung stops a bit, turns to him, and nods. Hell yeah, they will have fun.

When they get to the bar, they immediately down two shots of soju, and then one more, and then Soonyoung orders a soju cocktail they share. There's almost no space at the bar the club is so packed, and by the glances Soonyoung keeps giving to the dancefloor, he's eager to dance.

So he helps him down the cocktail, and then takes his hand to drag him towards the dance floor, making a bit of space for them somewhere on the floor.

Soonyoung wastes no time in grabbing his hands and putting them on his waist, swaying to the low beats of the music. His hands go on Seokmin's chest, playing with the undone buttons of his shirt.

It's so refreshing to not have to be so conscious of yourself. Seeing the people dancing or even making out on the dancefloor, guys and guys, and girls and girls, is so liberating. He remembers how nervous he was back then when they first met when Soonyoung took him to the dancefloor, how much his hands shook when he dared to put them on Soonyoung's hips. He doesn't know up until today what superpower he got back then to be brave enough to drop the hints, grab him like he did, to say yes when Soonyoung asked him to go back to his place. He had never done anything of the sort in public, and while he's still not the most comfortable with it, the improvement in his mindset and confidence since he's met Soonyoung is noticeable even to him. He's gone from doing it to impress to doing it because he's enjoying it, and that matters a lot to him.

Like back then, Soonyoung eventually turns around on a slower song, grinding back on Seokmin with his hands tangled in Seokmin's where they are on his hips, and Seokmin is content just to feel him against him, to slowly sway to the beat. He doesn't need to feel more or do more, just wants to hold Soonyoung like that and dance with him.

They dance for a while more, grab drinks and cool down and then go back, and it's so fun, everybody's shouting along to the lyrics of a Big Bang song and the atmosphere is amazing.

The song changes quick, a hum starting it and repeating with the bass, not actually starting the song yet, and Soonyoung jumps in one second, turning to him.

"Wait. I have a choreo to this."

"Soonie..." he starts because he knows where this is going, but before he can say anything else, Soonyoung is off and jumping on the little stage that other people were dancing on, and before the verse even starts, in probably not more than 20 seconds, he's cleared it of people. Seokmin's jaw drops because _oh damn, he's not._

[He is though](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QDbEZ3IsOc), walking slowly at the beginning before the verse starts and then he legitimately starts _dancing,_ a choreo Seokmin's never seen before. It's so good he freezes, and he doesn't think he's imagining how the lights are brighter now. He's captured everyone's attention in two seconds flat, all eyes in the club now on him. He's _insane._

It takes up until he rolls on the floor, his head bowed and slowly getting up, for everyone to actually realize how good he is. Someone starts cheering and soon everyone follows, someone whistling behind Seokmin.

He spins and turns so cleanly and so gracefully, running a hand through his hair slightly on a move, and Seokmin dies right there and then. He's so gorgeous, so charismatic it's like it's his own concert, and Seokmin's heart swells with pride.

A series of fast moves leave his head spinning, and before he knows it, he puts his hands up like he's handcuffed and drops down so _slowly,_ kneeling and feeling a hand up his thigh and over his stomach and chest, his skin glistening in the neon lights. Everybody cheers and whistles in appreciation.

Seokmin loses it, his jaw dropping even more at how graceful he looks, how sexy. It's incredible, so powerful Seokmin doesn't even realize Soonyoung's done until he throws a look at him and jumps off of the stage, in the applause and cheers louder than the music, and comes barreling into Seokmin with his hands wrapping around his middle.

"Was it good?"

"You're crazy," Seokmin unfreezes and grabs Soonyoung's cheeks. "You're amazing. Wow. I'm sorry, I'm just..." he laughs in shock.

They're interrupted by someone next to them who grabs their attention 'subtly' and then proceeds to shout over the music. "That slow drop... with those thighs, you must be very good at riding cock."

Seokmin would be offended for him, but Soonyoung just laughs. "He can confirm whether that's true," he says and pokes Seokmin, untangling himself from him.

"It is," he says bravely, finally moving and throwing a hand around Soonyoung's lower back, possessive. It feels like everybody's looking at him, and he doesn't feel like having to fight with anyone over him tonight.

The guy just laughs though, good-natured, and pats their upper arms. "Have fun guys, be safe." Soonyoung nods his head at him and turns to Seokmin.

"Wanna go back?"

"Damn yes," Seokmin says, and leads him out from behind, throwing cautionary glances at everyone looking at them. And there's a lot of people, he doesn't know whether he should feel jealous or proud or whatever.

In the end, he doesn't feel like any of those, just kind of realizes how _awesome_ his boyfriend is, and how glad he is to be the one to go home with him, forever, if he can.

* * *

The rest of their time in Busan goes by so quickly he barely has time to process it, before they're back in Seoul and Soonyoung is dropping him off. He's promised he won't distract him for the next few days cause he said he has choreos to work on, and Seokmin also has to finish some things at his internship, but he bets Soonyoung will cave first.

Anyway, Seokmin will be waiting.

When he enters his room, Seungkwan's lounging on the armchair in the living room, and it's right then and there that he realizes he can't do it anymore.

"Can we talk?"

Seungkwan freezes, the interest in his phone lost.

"Don't run, seriously. We need to."

Seungkwan rolls his eyes, already annoyed, a prediction of how well this will go.

"Did you have fun with him?" Seungkwan shoots, dragging a sigh out of Seokmin. He sits on the couch, crossing his legs under him.

"I'm sorry. For this spring and for the many times that you had to take care of me. I'm sorry for putting you through this, I'm sorry for being so careless with your feelings. I just... didn't know how to deal with it and was kind of out of my mind, not that it's an excuse. I'm just... genuinely sorry." He is. If he had it any other way, he would've kept Seungkwan far away from his issues.

"If you're really sorry, there's an easy fix," he throws with snark. He's said that, that he doesn't want to ever hear Soonyoung's name again.

"Seungkwan... You planned it though. You and Jeonghan. Me meeting him, that time at the club."

Seungkwan's expression shifts to one revealing the deep sadness he's probably hiding over that. "I was tired of you mentioning him, so tired." Seokmin doesn't think he talked about Soonyoung that much, but the situation would probably lead Seungkwan to catch on to every time. "I thought that if you hooked up with him you'd move on and forget it, like your hook-ups before."

Isn't that kind of ridiculous? How something Seungkwan's done with his own hand could turn up to be so against him? Seokmin would almost laugh if it wasn't so awful.

"Can I ask you something though?" he asks, and doesn't pause for Seokmin to continue. "If he... wasn't in the picture. If I had told you before that. Would you have considered it?"

Seokmin's heart tears to pieces. He'd like to give Seungkwan closure. But alas...

"Probably," he answers honestly, frowning. "Yes."

Seungkwan closes and averts his eyes, which makes tears drop down his cheeks. "Fuck, hyung..."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Seungkwan says and wipes his cheeks, sniffling.

He would have, he knows. He knows he's looked at Seungkwan like more than a friend since their high school competition days, that the texts they shared complaining about teenage angst meant more to him at some point. But then was then... and now is now. Seungkwan wants to hear why, though. He can tell.

"Why?"

There it is.

"I started liking you at some point in high school," he admits, voice soft and slow, telling the story he's never put into words. "First, when we were texting, and you comforted me when my parents fought really badly that one time. And then for pretty much all of freshman year. Worked to let it go after that, cause I thought you weren't interested, and I was done with crying in my room when you were at practice, and trying to be cool by hooking up with people. It hurt, it hurt a lot, because I thought you were so outgoing and so out there I tried to be the same." Seungkwan was the first real friend he had that was not somehow tied in with a messy aspect of his life, and he's been a big part of shaping him and giving him the confidence to be himself.

"But it went on for a while. When you said we should live together, I was hesitant because I was unsure of how I'd deal with it. And I lived like that for a year, and I know you knew I was having a hard time in freshman year. I know you got mad I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry I couldn't... I couldn't really come to terms with it until the summer after, and it never really went away until, you know..."

"Hyung," Seungkwan says, broken, and starts crying again. That's when Seokmin breaks too, and feels the knot come up in his throat and the tears well up in his eyes. It's gone for him, but he can't imagine how painful it must be for Seungkwan to hear that. What could've been.

For the first time in a long time, he tells himself honesty is maybe not the best policy. Not when it just feels like he's twisting a knife deeper into Seungkwan's heart.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you that because I wanted you to know it's not you. It's just..." It wasn't meant to be, the timeline all wrong. And nothing hurts more than knowing it could have been prevented, that something they could've done could have changed things. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Seungkwan says, and looks at him. "For being honest. I'm alright."

"I'm really sorry. I... don't want to ask or demand anything from you, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want and I get if you don't want to see me for a while. I just hope you and Vernon work out."

"I don't. I hope that's okay. I care about our friendship, and I don't want to lose it. But it'll take me a while."

"Of course," he says, and Seungkwan gets up. The 'I'll wait' is implied.

"I'll go meet up with Vernon, we made plans. But... thank you for telling me."

"Okay, I'll see you later," he says and smiles, not quite reaching his eyes. But they'll be alright, he hopes, and prays that he'll be able to keep both his relationship and his best friend, and finally be fully happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before any Verkwan comments that I'm gonna make, the outfits they were wearing are my absolute favorite outfits ever, because they look hot as fuck. I have probably watched each of these videos close to fifty times, no kidding. 
> 
> Soonyoung: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QDbEZ3IsOc (that damn dance holy hell, still not alive)  
> Seokmin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU0Br9_xUq8 (first moment here, and the one that cemented his personality for me, I refuse to see him as anything but powerful and confident, even though nice and a sunshine, my bby <3)
> 
> Now on to Seungkwan. I always thought of Seungkwan as a confident gay, but I think he'd be very flustered with people that he truly liked. Like, he is very outspoken and very himself, but when it comes to liking people, I think he'd be kind of shy. (My idea of him liking Seokmin came as some idk, very small momentary flustered reactions or like movements he makes when he's with Seokmin, like he freezes a little - case in point: https://youtu.be/vzzbh_P6KjY?t=96. (also can we notice how Seokmin literally fists his hand in Seungkwan's sweater and grabs his shoulder starting at 2:13; nobody can convince me he's not powerful and kinky idk) 
> 
> His relationship with Vernon is different though in here, though, I think, because Vernon came in the picture in the beginning as someone Seungkwan was not actually pursuing as a real love interest, just someone who he found attractive and his age and could like work on to get over Seokmin or make him jealous or forget for a while, and stuff like that, and it only later turned into something actually true, but it caught him by surprise. This is why it'll be easy for Seungkwan to actually fall out of Seokmin and to Vernon later, because he's already fallen without realizing.
> 
> I think this is a bit of how Seungkwan is in real life too; he seems very confident and very himself, but he's also very flustered and you can tell he's obviously caught by surprise by some of the things Vernon does sometimes (that boy is chaos.) I actually ship them a lot and would say that there is something happening between them irl tbh, and I don't throw that assumption out there for many ships. So yeah, see you in the next chapter!


	8. lost star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with the last chapter for this part! I generally absolutely hate writing families of real people, because there's nothing we know about them and I generally do not want to have them involved in things like these, feels a bit off. So I have to say that I think Soonyoung and Seokmin's families in real life are extremely supportive, and nothing like here, and this is just a way to put forward this alternate reality that we think of, and some of the issues that might come up in a country like Korea. That being said, again, nothing with real life in the depiction of their families. 
> 
> Also the last scene was inspired by their cuddly moments in that last TTT episode. They generally don't have a lot of couple-y soft moments, they more often joke around, but they were so soft throughout that episode, my heart was so happy.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. <3

He wakes up when it's still dark outside, and maybe it's nerves, maybe it's something else, but he can't fall back asleep.

He tries going to the bathroom, walking around, even goes to the kitchen drink water, cuddling up to Seokmin, shifting around. Nothing works, and just when he's about to give up and actually wake up, Seokmin shifts and blinks at him.

"What's wrong, babe?" He asks, all groggy and raspy, and oh lord. No.

"Can't sleep," he whines, facing Seokmin on his side. Seokmin's eyes are closed, but he moves closer on his side as well, grabbing Soonyoung's waist and pressing his lips to his hair.

"What do you need?" He whispers.

"I don't know."

Seokmin breathes in, kisses Soonyoung's forehead and opens his eyes, looking at him. There's almost no light coming from the window, but Soonyoung feels his eyes on him, the large hand cradling his jaw, stroking his cheek. Soonyoung doesn't wait but kisses Seokmin instead, and maybe that's what he needs, to get out of his head.

"Is this okay?" he asks, and Seokmin whispers a yes, and then kisses him again.

Maybe it's strange, but they've never messed around in the dark. The lack of light, the slow morning feel, it just makes everything so much more sensitive, every touch so heavy. He doesn't feel like he's burning, impatient or anything, just that he's feeling everything so much more.

It feels like forever when Seokmin keeps gliding his lips over his cheek, his jaw, and down over his neck. Soonyoung urges him to do something because he's so turned on it hurts, and it's like forever again before Seokmin reaches to the bedside drawer on his side and pulls the lube out. He pulls one of Soonyoung's legs over his thighs, his slick fingers teasing at Soonyoung's entrance before he slides one in.

Soonyoung can't help but moan, biting his lip after because he likes the silence, hearing Seokmin's breaths and the sound their lips make when they kiss.

It's so slow, slower than any time they've ever fucked probably, that it feels like years until he tells Seokmin that he's ready and Seokmin tells him to turn around. He doesn't think they've ever done it like this before, Soonyoung's back pressed to the entirety of Seokmin's front, but _damn_ it feels good when Seokmin enters him, taking his time and making sure Soonyoung feels every inch of him.

He really does, the warmth enveloping him and making him feel so secure. Seokmin doesn't hurry, gives him time to adjust and then pulls out slow, entering him again just like that. His hand is on Soonyoung's stomach, pressing to pull him further in and get deeper, and Soonyoung _cannot_ with him.

"Fuck," he whispers, grabbing on to Seokmin's arm to steady himself as Seokmin keeps fucking him so slow, almost lazy. Time blurs when he can feel absolutely every inch of Seokmin like that, and then he feels him sneak his other hand in his hair and pull, dragging Soonyoung's head back to be able to bite at his neck. He's merciless, fucking Soonyoung slow but so pointed, his thrusts pressing into his spot without fail.

His orgasm builds so gradually and for so long, that he doesn't actually need Seokmin's hand on his cock to come. A couple thrusts and he's gone, but instead of breaking, his orgasm washes over him like a wave, leaving him relaxed, melting on the bed.

"Come, baby," he urges and turns to Seokmin as much as he can, trying to kiss him. Seokmin obliges him and turns his head as well, and even if the angle is off, Seokmin still moans and Soonyoung feels him pulling off and coming on his back. He should thank him for that, because cleaning at this hour while feeling like he is was not something he was going to do.

He resists the urge to drop on his front like a starfish while Seokmin gets up and comes back with wet tissues, cleaning him up and throwing them in the trash.

The moment he's back in bed, he attaches himself to him, even if he's naked. Maybe it's the morning atmosphere, maybe it's how Seokmin made me feel, but he can't help it.

"I love you," he whispers, and sees Seokmin's smile bloom bright on his face. The room feels so much lighter, warmer, all of a sudden.

"I love you too," Seokmin answers and pecks him on the lips, hugging him close. This time he falls asleep in seconds, to the sound of Seokmin's heartbeat.

* * *

"You ready?"

"Mhm, let me just find my hoodie," Seokmin says, and turns to leave. "That's not your shirt," he remarks.

Soonyoung looks down at himself, and indeed, he's wearing one of Seokmin's large shirts, probably left at his place from a while before.

"It's fine, I don't think my parents know all my clothes," he shrugs. Seokmin finally gets ready to leave, carrying both of their bags in his hand. Soonyoung makes him put them down and grabs his cheeks for a kiss, feeling Seokmin's hands settle on his waist.

"Are you ready?" Seokmin whispers in the small space between their lips.

Soonyoung starts nodding, but soon enough he shakes his head. "No."

"I don't have to come."

"No, you are."

Seokmin gathers him in his arms tight, squeezing out all his worries. "I love you. You'll be alright."

"Love you too," he whispers in Seokmin's shoulder and closes his eyes, resting for a second, gathering his strength from him. Seokmin waits until he's ready, until Soonyoung pulls away. "Let's go."

* * *

Soonyoung's hand pauses on the gearshift when they get to the house. He's nervous for no reason and for all the reasons at the same time, and Seokmin picks up on it, taking his hand and squeezing it, a show of support in silence.

Soonyoung squeezes his hand back, sighs, and lets go, opening his door. From his right, he hears Seokmin walk out as well.

His mother's waiting for them on the steps in front of the house, and hugs him so tight, Soonyoung drops all he has in his hands to hug her back. No matter how much time passes from when he sees her, be it days, weeks or months, he misses her just the same.

"Oppa!" He hears the shout from inside the house, and sees his younger sister walk to him. He immediately picks her up and hugs her, her laughing at her brother's antics. He's missed her so much as he hasn't seen her since the beginning of the summer, so he's so happy to see her. His older sister and her fiance come up to welcome him too, and he hugs them as well. His dad is watching, and for some reason, Soonyoung is nervous when he goes up to him. This could be the last times he actually has his family, so he wants to make sure he remembers it well.

He hears Seokmin introduce himself to his sisters, and he goes back to help him and get the bags from outside the house.

"Did you eat?" his mom asks quickly, ushering them in.

"Yes, we ate with the rest of our friends a bit before we left, so we're okay to wait until lunch."

They all settle on the couch, and when Soonyoung goes to help bring the drinks from the kitchen and is left only with his older sister, she glances at him.

"You brought your boyfriend?" She asks in disbelief, accusatory. Soonyoung won't have this shit from her when he's been in the house for less than five minutes, so he turns to her and gives her a look that hopefully summarizes that she needs to not talk about this, or it will be trouble.

He settles on the couch next to his older sister and Seokmin, who's in an armchair next to his edge of the couch. He takes a few seconds to look at his younger sister, who looks even more grown-up now. Soonyoung loves her so much, she is one of those teenagers who is way too mature, calm, and smart for their age, always the one to soothe his and his older sister's fiery tempers, and to comfort him after the many fights he's had with everybody else in the family. His family would be a mess without her.

"How was Busan?" He asks, settling in the couch.

"It was amazing," his younger sister says, and they launch into a discussion of all the fun things they've done, and all the studying she also managed to do. After both her older siblings getting into top universities, he knows she feels the pressure to do the same. He makes a note to go talk to her later about it, and hopefully help her feel better about her senior year.

His father asks about Seokmin too, and when his father briefs him about the things they changed in the house since the last time they came here, Soonyoung catches his older sister's gaze, her eyebrows raised at him. 'You've brought him here before?' he knows she's asking, and Soonyoung turns his gaze away. It's impossible for this weekend to not be a disaster in the end, and he needs to calm down and bear it.

* * *

Later in the afternoon, when Seokmin is in the garden calling his parents too and everybody else is napping or chilling, he goes up to his younger sister's room. He knocks three times, and she calls him in.

"Hi," he says, and sits on her bed while she swivels to turn to him in his desk chair. She's obviously studying, and Soonyoung sighs. He wishes she was able to enjoy her teenage years.

"Hi."

"Are you studying?"

"Yes, I have to learn this to skip a step in the hagwon."

"Mom and dad are making you go to Seoul for them this year, I heard?"

"Yeah, cause it's senior year and I have to do more, at least for a couple days a week."

"I haven't talked to them about this," he starts. "But if you need to stay in Seoul more, you can stay with me." He doesn't know how he'll manage to do that, but Jihoon and he have thought about moving for a while anyway, and maybe he can get a place with another room or something.

His sister smiles, but it's not from excitement or anything. "I don't want to bother you oppa, seriously. You have your own life. I'll commute, I've already made plans with friends and bought my bus tickets and stuff."

"Okay," he says. He doesn't want her to take buses alone at night, but he figures that if she's with friends, it's better. "But promise me that if something happens, you call me, yes? Maybe I will get to see you more often now too since I don't have the time to come up that often."

"I will," his sister says.

"I know you're studying a lot and you want to get into a good college, but don't let it take over your life, okay?"

"I'm not, I promise. I hang out with friends and I still play sports a lot, and watch dramas sometimes. I'm okay."

"Okay," Soonyoung says, glad to see she's conscious of it. "When it gets hard, call me too, please. I know you have noona to help you, but I'm here for you too."

"Thank you," she says honestly, and then her expression turns somber. "Oppa, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Seokmin... he's your boyfriend, isn't he?" She asks, slowly, carefully.

Soonyoung sighs. Unlike his older sister, that caught him making out with a boy a few years before, he's never told his younger sister, but of course she picked up on it.

"He is," he admits.

His younger sister smiles, comforting. "Do mom and dad know?"

"Mom knows, noona knows too. I never told them, they just... found out. Dad doesn't, of course. I'm sorry I never told you."

"It's okay. I just hope you're happy. Are you happy?"

Seokmin comforting him before they came here, and how much better he felt flashes before his eyes.

"I am," he says, and smiles. She goes up to hug him, and Soonyoung hugs her back, so thankful that she's okay with it. He never expected otherwise, but it's still comforting.

The rest of the day passes while helping his mother with the cooking and with some things in the garden, and before they know, they're too tired to even move from the bed they dropped down on. Soonyoung was careful to lock his door, something he's done since he was a child, so his parents will probably not be suspicious.

"Shower and sleep?" Seokmin murmurs, and Soonyoung makes a noise of approval, but doesn't get up from his place on Seokmin's chest. He's so tired. Seokmin quickly kisses the top of his head, then extracts himself from under Soonyoung, his head dropping down uselessly on the bed.

"I'll go shower first," Seokmin announces and goes. Soonyoung regretfully gets up to at least put some sheets on the mattress on the floor and ruffle it around a little bit, to at least look like someone slept on it if they check. He also goes and showers after Seokmin is done, and then they get under the blankets, Soonyoung cuddling up to Seokmin.

"You good?"

"Yes. Talked to my younger sister, she figured it out. My older sister's been annoying with it, but I know she won't tell. It's okay."

"Okay, I'm glad. If something goes wrong, tell me. Whatever you need."

"Thank you Minnie," he whispers, turning on his side to look at him. "Love you."

"Love you too," Seokmin answers and kisses him, his hand tracing the dip at his waist. They won't do anything here again, too risky, but Soonyoung just gets content with kissing him after a day of being at home, in this family holiday atmosphere with him, and not being able to touch him once, just hold his hand or even look at him for too long.

* * *

The next day, he doesn't get one second to think. It's Saturday, the day when everyone gathers, so guests start swarming their house from long before the dinner, early afternoon more like. They have to cook, and entertain them, and set up the tables outside, and help around, it's exhausting. They've always had the largest backyard so they've always hosted these family events and Chuseok, and it's good to see his family, but it's also exhausting.

Seokmin is proving to be incredible at entertaining his family members though, along with his older sister's fiance, and they seem to be excited at seeing a Seoul boy and a Busan boy, and some who are so polite and nice. They talk about differences in regions, and other things, and Soonyoung breathes more easily because usually that's his job and he hates it. Instead, he helps his mom and sisters in the kitchen, and before long, they settle at the table.

He's been too busy today to think about how it looks like to his family and stuff, that he's brought Seokmin, who's sitting next to him, but nobody seems to care, and from what he's heard, nobody made any comments or found it strange. He's yet to see his father, but he seems okay with it, so Soonyoung enjoys the family dinner and seeing some of the people from other regions of Korea he hasn't seen in a while.

It goes by in a flash, and soon enough, only him, Seokmin, both his sisters, his sisters' fiance and some cousins around their age are left downstairs, drinking beer and chatting. He's having fun, before the obvious topic of relationship comes up. It's his older sister's turn to answer to when they'll get married, next year, to his younger sister, whether she has a boyfriend, she doesn't, and then to Soonyoung, to whether he has a girlfriend.

"I have something, yes," he answers and gets ready for the barrage of 'ooh's coming from his cousins. He couldn't lie, especially with Seokmin next to him.

"Where is she from?" Someone asks, and he answers Seoul.

"Show us pictures!" Everybody demands, but Soonyoung refuses, and claims he doesn't have any cause he's not the type to keep photos, and he's not. He doesn't think he and Seokmin have many photos together.

Soon enough, they move on to Seokmin, who's sitting next to him, and his cousins look very interested in his answer. He looks at Seokmin, and Seokmin makes the mistake to glance at him for a quick second before saying he does too.

His cousins sigh in thinly-covered disappointment, and he doesn't dare look at his older sister, obviously ignoring her. They don't pester Seokmin as much because he's a guest too, and the conversation keeps going.

When they go to bed, Soonyoung's too tired to be worried. His cousins are fantastic at gossiping, but he hopes none of it will reach other family members. If he does, honestly, he doesn't care much.

* * *

 

The next day, they had planned to go to the fair in the village, the attraction of the holiday. His older sister and her fiance have something else to do, and his younger sister is going with her friends, so Soonyoung takes Seokmin and his cousins and they go off in two cars.

He's always loved the fair in his village at this time. The rides are amazing, the food is delicious, as bakeries in the village and a lot of traditional families come out with food carts, and the atmosphere is just amazing. They try out pretty much all the rides first, from the Ferris wheel to the Viking boat, and then they snatch a rare empty wooden table they see and go in turns to get food and chat.

After a while, Seokmin says he wants to get something he saw before, and Soonyoung volunteers to go with him, but he says it's okay, so he doesn't. Right when he's out of earshot, his cousins start to pester him.

"Ah, Soonyoungie, are you sure he has a girlfriend? He's so cute, he has an actor or an idol feel." Soonyoung wishes he would be able to hold back, but his cousins have been trying to flirt with Seokmin the entire day, Seokmin was too nice to say no, trying to impress his family, and he's kind of had it.

"He does," he answers a bit curtly, and bites his tongue immediately after. 'Careful,' he thinks.

"Ah really? Is she prettier than me?"

"I don't know, we didn't meet."

"Soonyoungie, you're close friends and you never met his girlfriend? He didn't show you a picture or anything even?"

"If you're so curious, ask him, don't ask me, I said I don't know," he says, and realizes immediately how sharp it came off as. It's instant, how he realizes they picked up on something, and he tries not to bang his head on the fucking table. What an idiot.

Seokmin returns, and immediately asks Soonyoung if he wants to try some of the fish cake he got, even before eating himself. He feels the looks they're getting from some of his cousins, and tries to calm down.

"I'm okay, thanks," he says, and tries to light up, but the damage's already been done.

He's promised himself he won't panic about it or try to be obvious, but immediately after his cousins go back in one car, and he's left with Seokmin in the other to go and pick some stuff up from the store for his father, Seokmin can tell.

"What's wrong?"

"I messed up when they asked about you, and I think they could tell," he says, backing up out of his parking spot.

"Oh, Soonie... I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it is what it is. I came here with the idea I don't care about what happens and I'm trying not to."

"I hope it's fine."

"I hope so too."

* * *

It's not. When they walk into the house, now empty of all guests, his family besides his younger sister is sitting on the couch, and they all look more serious than he's ever seen them. Soonyoung's heart drops. His father turns to him, and the look in his eyes tells him this is it.

"Kwon Soonyoung. Tell me it's not true."

"What is?" He asks, but his voice gives him away.

"It is true, is it not? You... you..."

There's no use hiding it anymore, so he grabs Seokmin's hand, because if he doesn't, he thinks he'll break down. His father sees it.

"You dared to come into my house like that?" His father half-shouts, voice full of vitriol. "This is not how I raised you, this is not who you are."

"This is who I am, father..." he tries to say, but his father interrupts him.

"This is not who I raised! I let you do everything, study whatever you wanted, do dance, go off to Seoul and whatever, and this is how you repay me? By... being a sinner, being disgusting like that?"

It's like a slap on his face, except much stronger, and Soonyoung tries not to break down. Nobody dares to speak, and Soonyoung doesn't have anything to say, looking into his father's eyes. He just tries not to cry and show his weakness, because he's not weak and this is not worth crying over, and he doesn't regret anything. Seokmin squeezes his hand, trying to show his support, but this is not his battlefield.

"Leave," his father says, an ultimatum. Soonyoung wouldn't dream to stay.

He takes Seokmin up the stairs, silent, the sound of his steps the only thing to hear. Seokmin doesn't say anything because he probably knows anything he says will only make Soonyoung break, just helps him grab the bags they already packed this morning.

Downstairs, everybody is right as he left them.

"Leave, and don't come back until you're normal again," his father says again. He doesn't blame anyone else for not saying anything.

"Goodbye mom, noona, Byungjoon. Thank you for having us," he says, and turns to his father. "Goodbye, father," he says as well, trying to keep in what he wants to say, that he'll be the one to regret this.

The only person to get up is his mother, who comes to hug him right as he's leaving.

"I'm sorry, Soonie. Call mom when you cool down," she says, and Soonyoung hugs her back, because he doesn't want to leave her like that.

And then he goes, gets in the car, hears Seokmin close his door too, and drives off, not looking back.

He doesn't know how he drives and gets them home. He just does, doesn't even bear to go say hi to Jihoon, who's in the kitchen, just walks into his room and then collapses with Seokmin in his bed, and finally lets himself cry.

Seokmin hugs him tight, just like before leaving, and he tries to remember how comforting it was then. He doesn't feel desperate, doesn't feel broken, he just feels... sad. It's sadder because he knew it would happen, and yet it still hurts.

"Soonie..." Seokmin whispers, running his hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," he hiccups in Seokmin's shirt.

"No no, baby, don't apologize to me. Don't, it's alright. It'll be okay."

* * *

Their friends all ask later what's wrong with him, how was it. He answers how it went, and they help so much with making him feel better. They had plans for so long to go on the trip they didn't all go to in the winter, so Jeonghan says fuck it and books a house somewhere on the outskirts of Gapyeong for the weekend, they all clear plans and go.

Even if he feels pretty terrible, when he sees his friends having fun and encouraging him to join, even if it is random ass games, or cooking dinner, or anything really, he can't help but smile. They're trying so hard for him and they're all having fun for the first time in a while, so how can he be sad?

His mom texts him at some point on the trip, and he puts off reading for a while, but he opens it after dinner, when they're busy cleaning some of the stuff.

 _'Soonyoungie, it's_ _mom_ _. I'm so sorry for what happened and for not standing up for you, mom was wrong. I didn't choose my son back then, and that is something I will always regret. I talked to your dad and maybe it will not be soon, but he will come around, I promise you I will make sure of that. You take care where you are, take care of yourself and Seokmin, and do not forget to call us once in a while. Mother loves you.'_

He almost starts crying when he reads the text, smiling at his phone. It feels like something has lifted off of his chest, a burden and a hesitation that left him thinking if it will ever be alright.

They play a bottle cap game, and even if he's not really nervous of whether he wins or not, he cuddles between Seokmin's legs where he's sitting on the floor in front of him on the couch, and grips his hand for pretend support.

It's then, feeling Seokmin's warmth at his back and around him, supporting him, loving him, and with all his friends, that it suddenly hits him he feels alright. He is feeling better, and can admit this much. Whatever may come, he has his friends and he has Seokmin, and nothing else matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo here we are. I've said it in the last chapter's note, but I'll say it here again. The next part, which will just be a loooooong one-shot by how it's looking, will probably be up on the 24th or 25th, because I'll be pulling from some Christmas themes, whoops, guilty. So I hope you look forward to that. <3 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has bothered to read this and go through this journey with me so far, I very much appreciate your feedback and you reading this. I hope you enjoyed their story too, and I'll be looking forward to see more of what you think! Lots of love! <3


End file.
